It Makes It All Worth It...

So I'm sitting here thinking about my situation and crying out to God, pouring my heart out...I'm desperate for revelation and resolution, for truth and peace and acceptance...I tell God how I feel right now and suddenly it occurs to me...


When I get out of this, I'm gonna have a powerful testimony that will help many people...or, ya know, at least one person.  I was telling God I feel so alone right now.  Although there are many people that try to help me, pray me through, encourage me, etc. there is only so much that people can do and people can only relate so much.  The only one that could truly understand at this point, I believe, is God.  But I am sure that God is going to bring people to my life that have struggled with some of the same issue(s).  And that makes it all worth it and gives me hope and makes me want to keep fighting.  I tell God I feel so different but I could visualize myself being able to minister to others.  I could visualize that there are other people out there, who maybe right now or maybe in the past or maybe in the future are crying, have cried, will cry, the very thing that I have and am and will.  


This is what the desert/valley experience is about.  We walk side by side with each other.  As a dear friend of mine once said, in Egypt there were 40,000 exiles walking at the same time - all looking for their promised land. We're all looking for the promised land so we walk together and as one of us makes progress we can help others who are stuck in the same mud.  That's why we need to not forget what we've been through.  Not that we should constantly dwell on it or regret it but keep ourselves in perspective and instead of belittling the person next to us or behind us (ie: the younger generation) for what they're going through, we need to try to help them - especially if we've conquered that very thing.  


Just sayin...

God is concerned...

My Father God, Holy Spirit, Lord, King, Jesus is sooo amazing I just had to share this little story with you.  I want you to know that God is concerned with the little things in our lives.  There's scripture that talks about how not a sparrow falls to the floor without God being aware, and how the birds dont have to worry about what to eat or wear because they know that God will provide, and that every hair on your head is counted...I have experienced this many times and once again tonight and that's what I wanted to encourage you with:

I brought a Smart Ones to lunch at work today because I'd been having to spend too much money all week on food because the microwave on campus wasnt working.  But I also have a problem with sometimes going overboard and spending on useless things.  So today even though I brought lunch I was sooo tempted to buy KFC to supplement.  I had coupons!  But no...my coworker and I decided to just eat what we had (that's my way of showing gratitude too.  How dare I go and buy food when I already have.  That's so disrespectful of the One who provided and who is trying to help me financially and healthwise!).  I was full!  Plus I had a half a pretzel and some grapes that were at the office.  So I had more than enough and didn't have to buy any takeout.  What a blessing. Ok...so I went home and did some stuff and then for dinner I had some leftover takeout from a few days earlier and I was afraid was going to go bad (I feel so bad not eating food when there are those that can't even afford it) so I was going to eat more even though I wasn't that hungry.  Well...I didnt. I went to fellowship and as it turned out, we ate beforehand!  I would've been too full but thank God it was a far away enough interval that I could rejoice with my brothers and sisters and I wasn't too full but wasn't hungry either.  It was perfect.  But here's the clincher ....

Someone was at the fellowship for the first time and she happened to be going my way so we walked and talked and she asked if I wanted ... KFC!!!!  We ended up going and she treated!!  But right before she ordered I remembered...I had coupons!!!  We ended up splitting the same meal my coworker and I were going to split! AND we got dessert lol.  

And we had a nice time of post-fellowship fellowship...all because I brought my lunch to work!  So you see, God cares about even the little choices we make like what to eat for lunch!

Happy :)

I'm happy.  I had a really good conversation with a dear friend of mine and it just brought back great memories and gave me such hope for...something hehehe.  Praying about whether or not to tell her a certain something but we'll see...I just might... :) 


And had a good day at school.  Got a B on my first history paper and my psych midterm was a breeze (took less than ten minutes) and I've been seeing God's hand and hearing His voice all day in the little things.


And I just have this desire to be still with Him. Just be still and let Him set me free.  Oh God I wanna be free so bad.  Give me patience.  But for the moment I feel good.  And, this morning I took good care of myself, I put some clothes on and instead of feeling self-conscious and worried about what anyone would say I said "I look good." And i continuously throughout the day would look down at myself or look at myself in the mirror and be like "I look good."  Oh and I put a little make up on.  But it wasnt too impress anyone.  I dont have to impress people or get their attention.  I'm not out to please anyone with my body.  I take care of me for me and for God because my body is the temple of the Holy Spirit.  I am fearfully and wonderfully made and give honor to God when I take care of myself and when I feel pretty because that's respecting the Creator.


Ahh feels good.


Also I feel like...I'm climbing. I have a long way to go, I know and it's hard at times but I feel like I'm coming out of the valley.  I feel like God is pulling me through (and using various methods too) and I feel like I just have to step step step step step and push myself a lil further at a time and if I lose my footing I just gotta get back up.  But...I told God today "I need You to keep pulling me through this one."  This is so hard. I can't do it on my own. My flesh wants to fail. My flesh wants to give up. My flesh wants to fall but NO! God wants better for me and I want better for me.  I have tasted and seen how awesome God is. How could I turn back?  *sigh*  I am so grateful for the valley experience...at the moment...because right now I can see that it's gonna be worth it and a valuable experience...I just need to keep this in mind. 

Short and Sweet

There are two ways of looking at things. One is feeling guilty and the other is feeling grateful. When I feel guilty about making mistakes is when I start to stumble further because I feel as though perfection is unattainable - which it is!  Only God is perfect.  But when I am grateful for God's mercy I call on Him and receive His love and when I realize how much He loves me I am able to push forward to love Him.  He says "If you love Me you will keep my commands."  The devil used to make me think that was God telling me I didn't love Him because I'm a sinner. NO!  God knows my heart.  What He means is the more I fall in love with Him the more I'll naturally make the right decisions.  When I'm grateful for the mistakes because they show me that something's wrong, I get stronger because I know it's God being like a Daddy to me which means He loves me.  
So...


God I thank You for Your mercy and grace and love.  I thank You that You know my heart and ask that Your love would guide me to freedom.  Draw me back to You with cords of love and help me to move forward with You, in Your confidence.  In Jesus' name...Amen...Also, thank You for the battle and the struggle.  The fact that I see it's a problem is a good sign and the fact that there is a problem means that I'm that valuable to You and that Your purposes for my life are so great that the devil tries to steal them and that You try to remove the obstacles.  Help me keep growing and moving forward in You...Amen..

But Still...

I'm determined that for every negative thing that I go through I'm going to find at least one positive thing to go along with it to counter it. So here goes from today...


This morning I felt so devastated and hurt and angry and a host of other emotions. But...I thank God for this because a) He showed me that I still have to heal in that area of my life...God will always speak but it may not be something you want to hear but it will always be what you need to hear.  It hurt to know that I was hurt but it was good to know what I need to work on to be whole.  Or rather...what I need to let GOD work on.
b) I know He was giving me supernatural strength and comfort and I have a feeling He made sure to have some people intercede for me...
c) I was able to run to Him, let it out a lil bit and then move on with my life. I didn't let it stop me from doing what I had to do and I didnt say anything stupid which would've made the situation worse.


I had favor in a particular situation.  I was so scared and upset and I could have easily remained feeling guilty about having these doubts (and about many other things I did "wrong" but I knew that wouldn't do anything so I just took care of what I had to take care of.  All it took was one phone call and I know that it's God that gets the glory.  In His will, this situation from years ago will finally be put behind me tomorrow.  But I remember that the last time I was in a similar situation I received my closure when these little details I took care of no longer mattered.  So I need to get to THAT place but hey...God is good and so merciful. I just pressed on...


I was running late and my brother was in the shower but just as I was getting out my clothes to wear he came out and asked if I needed to use it.  God has perfect timing.  I was a lil upset because I didnt think I would make it to the bus in time and I wanted to have time to eat the food I brought with me that needed to be heated up.  As I was praying, walking down the street, I saw the bus coming and I caught it!!!


I got to school in plenty of time and the microwave wasnt working which put a damper on my study time that I was going to try to have, as well as my mood and now I couldn't save money and I had a defrosting dinner in my bag.  But at least I had the finances to buy some lunch.  And lemme tell u - that one plate of food lasted me HOURS!


I studied for about an hour after school and as I came out of the library I missed the bus - saw it leave :/ but I got on another bus a while later...with a friend of mine :)


I came home and had a nice dinner that my dad made and spent some quality time with my parents, playing games on facebook and jeopardy.


Then I was really stressed and frustrated wit hw but whenever I would take a break and come back to it, the answers would seem to pop out at me! lol 


Now, I'm all done and ready for tomorrow.  But I just had to type a praise report.  But...that means tomorrow I have more time to seek the face of God, relax, or maybe start studying for one of my tests or continue studying for this one coming up on thursday.  Well, let's see how I sleep tonight and wake up tomorrow.

Why We Should Pray The Word of God

Isaiah 55:10 says that the word of God will not turn back void.  As I was praying the other night, God led me to pray this scripture and it suddenly hit me.  It hit me to the point I couldn't even pray anything more.  I couldn't worship, couldn't cry out...I was just still...covered in the presence of God.  In awe of Him.  I realized that when we pray the Word (either direct scripture or using scriptural concepts) we pretty much have a guarantee that it will happen.  For if it's according to His will and His word, He promises that it will not come back void.  Meaning - if we pray in faith for peace, for healing, for breakthrough, for protection and it's according to God's plan, we will receive what we're asking because we've sent forth the word declaring.  We have authority.  We have the Word as a weapon!  In the book of Hebrews it says the Bible is sharper than a two-edged sword.  This is one of the weapons in 2 Corinthians 10 that's "mighty for tearing down strongholds."  Again, even if you don't know the scriptures by heart the more you get to know God and His character the more you'll naturally pray based on scriptural principles.

Even more amazing is that the next morning someone posted on facebook that exact scripture!  

God help me remember to pray the scriptures and according to scripture.  Open up my eyes to scriptures that apply to my specific situations because they are out there - I know it!  And give me strength and faith.  This is what a warrior does, she uses her weapons.  I can't expect to win the battle if I don't use what I have in my possession.  Thank You Lord for this powerful weapon.  In Jesus' name.  Amen....

Ready for Breakthrough

A broken heart is a good thing, in this case.  The pain is not new, it's just only now being confessed and dealt with.  For months and months, maybe even more than a year, a little at a time, I closed myself off.  Even though I was "there" I wasn't really THERE.  You know what I mean?  I could be at a fellowship, crowded church service, home, school...I could get hugs, prayers, love, affection...and still feel ten miles away from it all, not really part of it, nor wanting to be a part of it.  When I was alone, or felt alone, I said I didn't care.  I didn't care when I didn't hear from my friends.  I didn't care when no one responded to my texts, emails, phone calls, statuses.  I didn't care when no one reached out or didn't reach out the way I wanted or didn't understand.  But really, all these situations, even those that were intended to be a blessing and not offensive, no matter what the situation I chose to seal myself off.  And each occasion I could find I would run and hide from "love".  These instances were really just chain after chain, root after root binding and blocking my heart and my mind.  

Well...praise God...He didn't quit on me and He didn't let me get too far that I couldn't find my way back.  And I'm blessed to say I'm on my way "home."  I know because last night, I started to really miss it.  I miss being connected with people.  I miss the fellowship of the heart.  I miss the touch of God.  I have it, of course, but it's not the same as it was, you know?  Well this brokenness, emptiness, longing in my heart was a good thing because NOW God can move!  Now God can fix me up.  I'm ready.  I'm ready.  I'm ready.  

Today's summit was another part of the healing process.  I was confronted by truth and by love today.  And it felt GOOOD!  It was hard because all these memories and feelings came up but it was good to once again be in the presence of my sisters and it was good to know that I'm on the road to victory.  I feel like this is all going to be resolved...sooner or later...when the time is right...

Now I'm just praying about what's next but I think I know.  I think God gave me a word last night and it was confirmed to me today.  

<3