Change my heart.

I'm asking You oh God to keep changing my heart
Don't give me a new one 
Because I know that even though the heart is deceptive 
But I also know You created me.
I know You placed a special love, a special grace, a special compassion, a special desire in my heart.
I know there's no one like me.

I'm asking You oh God to keep changing my heart. 

You know I've used this gal and she has done me well. 
You know the times I've served You and Your people with this heart. 
But You also know the scars on this heart 
That come as a result of doing Your will in a broken world. 
You know the times I've held back
And You know the fear that creeps in. 

I'm asking You oh God to keep changing my heart
Until it becomes more and more like Yours.
There is no confusion in You.
No doubt.
No disease.
No sin lives in You and You can't live with sin.
Deliver me from evil. 
Don't just deliver me from behaviors or thoughts
Break the chains off my heart.

My heart is fertile soil for You
But I'm afraid the vines have tried to overtake it.
Vines of sin and fear and laziness. 

Don't get rid of it completely.
Keep that which is pleasing to You.
Strengthen that which remains.
Smooth out the stoniness of it. 
May I be clay in Your hand.

Dark Night of the Soul

Allow me to share my heart tonight (I shut the computer to do some reading before bed but had to turn it on again to share this). I'm going through an old journal and see a shocking parallel to what I am currently experiencing. I WISH it weren't so. I wish that I could be done with these things once and for all but I am so thankful. I'm thankful for God's faithfulness and consistency in my life; that He has never left me or forsaken me, even in my mess and my mistakes. I am thankful that He brought me to this point and has led me to read these journals. So I wanted to share a poem that I began back in 2013 and continued today. I sense that just as this poem is continuously being added to and altered, this is not the end of me. Perhaps this is not the end of the situation. But there's a hand that holds me when no one even knows what I'm going through (and that's the way it should be). There's a God that loves me and does not reject me.
I'm in awe, as i write this, because GOD who is the only one who has the right to turn His back on me never does. I know I'm accepted but I struggle with accepting certain parts of myself. It's just beautiful, because I would expect that in these very situations God would want to look away from me but instead He constantly showers me with love and support and protection. Incredible. <3 Him so much. Be encouraged, whoever you are who is going through something.

This is the dark night of the soul.
This is where the scriptures come alive and fight for me,
Where God raises up a standard on my behalf against the principalities.

This is the valley of the shadow
Of death? No, for I shall live. But perhaps, yes, for something in me has to die
And if yes, well then this is where God fulfills His vows:
In sickness and in health.
Oh wait, oh even death could not do us part
Because we are One. We are of one heart.
Even though my section seems contaminated.
Now is where He begins to soften me, smooth me, and clean me
Because I feel so dirty –
Truly a mess
But God loves me as I am.

And this is where He shows me.
This is where God shows me unconditional love.
And where He teaches me to offer myself, and Him, the same.

Oh God,
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
May I fear no evil for You are with me
May You lead me by still waters
May You take me by the hand and deliver me
But not until I’ve learned what I need to learn.

The name of Jesus

How many know that when our bodies are sleeping our spirits are still awake. Our spirits never sleep. Last night I had a rough night. Had trouble sleeping and when I did fall asleep I had a horrible nightmare. I woke myself up screaming JESUS at what seemed to be the top of my lungs but I know it wasn't. I was aware that it didn't come from my mouth. It was from my core. So thankful for the name of Jesus and the power of the name of Jesus and the ability to say the name of Jesus. Truly there is no other name you need. <3 :,) And it is my prayer that God would wake someone up saying the name of JESUS. Someone who doesn't know Him yet. He is able. <3

It works!!!

To be honest, I've struggled with Ephesians 6 regarding putting on our spiritual armor. But the last few days I've been praying a little differently...not just regurgitating the scriptures or what I've heard people pray, I've been praying from my own words. So yesterday, I prayed / armored up, and I had a few "thoughts" and maybe an urge or two. But they were all in passing. They didn't stay and they didn't spread to my heart or my body. And I heard God say "that's the armor of God." Even today, although it wasn't perfect, certain things that would have sent me over the edge, didn't effect me! 

I'm thinking about the NA slogan: It works if you work it so work it it's worth it. 

And I'm thinking, like someone said yesterday "Test God" MEANING be honest with God and say "I'm struggling with my faith in this. I need you to come through. I'm gonna pray and I need you to answer." 

God is relentless

God is relentless haha. <3 I had had some prayer time earlier but then I had to stop and wanted to continue because I had a few specific prayers to pray. And I said: I'm going to my prayer closet...just going to take one or two things, not going to read this particular book, not going to deal with this issue right now because I have other stuff I need to pray for. And God allowed me to pray and it was all good and then I was done with that and was gonna go back upstairs and He said "wait...what's that in your heart?" And I'm like: "Ugh...ok." So I start venting to Him lol. And then I felt to open the Bible...I asked Him to speak to me through His Word but I had a few specific verses in mind that I wanted to find. And I had this notebook and it said "Always LOVE" and I'm just looking at it, like: Ok.... So then I start reading the Word and what I found was actually not what I was looking for and when I did find a few things that I had been recently looking for it didn't really touch me. Why? Because what I found was so much better - It was ALLLL about God's steadfast love (and various associated topics). Also, I told God: "Hey I'm doing pretty good! I don't blah blah blah." And in His mercy He showed me an area that needs some work. I'm so thankful that He would care about me so much that He would want to work on me. And that He is so hopeful and confident that I will be changed, that He bothers to talk to me. I got so enveloped I didn't realize I spent TWO HOURS down there!!! He's so merciful. So amazing. And I'm just in awe because I really didn't plan for any of that lol. That's how "dates" with our "spouses" should be! SURPRISE! God never ceases to surprise me. And it shows that even though I try to avoid dealing with certain things, I see that God still has my heart. Because I could have still resisted. I could have refused to stay in that prayer closet. I could have gone upstairs to eat lunch and play video games. But I stayed. It also shows His power. He is so beautiful that He makes me want to stay with Him. His love draws me closer all the time...

Zephaniah 3:17

I'm having a horrible horrible night but as I'm over here journaling and frustrated that nothing is working out right now and nothing is calming me down, I try to type something at the end of the entry and it ends up in the middle lol but it's good; it's like symbolic/prophetic. Even though in the flesh I'm a hot mess right now and I'm exhausted and upset I found the strength in the depth of my heart to say: "But God, I know that you love me. I know that you're not just being silent because you're mad at me. You don't do that." And as I wrote that I could finally start to breathe some deep breaths. I share this with you because a lot of times I complain lol and I want you to know that I still have faith. And I share this also because I want you to know that in the midst of the worst storm of your life, God always has a word for you. I tell you I tried pretty much everything I could think of to calm down but I just kept getting more and more upset. But finally I said "Ok God I guess I have to do this on my own." And as I vented to God, I unloaded the contents of my heart. Instead of taking out the anger and sadness and whatever on anyone else or on myself I was able to take it out on God and not really in a blaming way but in a "God this hurts" way. He understands that way. Who knows if He was just waiting this entire night for me to say "Ok God here I am help me". I tell you NOTHING ELSE WORKED TONIGHT EXCEPT BEING QUIET WITH GOD AND TELLING HIM WHAT WAS BOTHERING ME. I had to find His promise for me. Once I found God's promise I calmed down. Why? Because I saw growth - in the past I would've never had the courage and strength to say that and I would've had to rely on other people to remind me that God loved me. And, I guess it's like: His love, His promise is an anchor in my storm. I pray that whatever storm you're going through you would find an anchor for your soul. 

I can rejoice in my sufferings (at the moment....a few hours ago not so much lol but now that I'm calmer, yes) because I have this faith that makes me not give up. I have this promise - that He loves me. It's crazy because I have never quite understood God's love and I knew He loved me but didn't know how powerful it was or what it meant for me NOW. But just now I saw - and I PRAAYYY that I remember this moment - that the promise of God's love (and of His presence) soothe my heart. I think that's the ONLY thing that woulda done it tonight/this morning. Now I may even be able to sleep...

Save the oil!

I'm usually very conscious about how much things cost and I'm grateful for what I have and I try not to waste anything. Today I thought to myself after cooking: man I use a lot of oil. And then it just gets spilled out because it's too much. And at first I thought, "Eh. It's just oil. It's not that expensive or anything." But then I thought: "Oh no. Wait. Actually olive oil is VERY expensive." So for lunch I wasn't able to save it though I tried. It just wasn't working. But for dinner I saved some oil and hopefully it kept and I can use it tomorrow. 

To bring it to the spiritual side:
 
1) Christ does that for us. He's like: This girl is worth too much; she is worth my life. So I'm not gonna let her go. I'm gonna pick up every last morsel and use and reuse it. I'm not gonna waste anything. I'm not gonna let her just fall down the drain. She is very valuable.

And then 2) We should be like that with the anointing and with our relationship with God. We're like: Eh, it's just worship. It's just prayer. It's just reading some scriptures. It's just church. It's just a meeting. It's just a phone call. Whatever it may be for you. And we just get so lazy with things and let it slip away. We should also be like that with our friendships/relationships. Eh, we'll talk some other time. Oh, tomorrow I'll remember to tell him I love him. 

We try to save what is valuable to us, what seems pricy, what we have poured into/invested in. Even though sometimes we want to give up precisely because we've poured so much into it. But the point is, we should show honor to those to whom honor is due and let them know that you care. Have we counted the cost of following Christ? (Philippians 3:8) Because He counted us worthy (Hebrews 12:2). 

#justsaying.