This is my life and I wouldn't trade it for anything

Last night when I was washing my face I started thinking: "Ugh...I am so sick of being 'Jess'!" I just get so sick of myself sometimes but then I thought about it and - - - I wouldnt change it for the world. I wouldnt want to be somebody else. The problems that I'm going through seem so big to me sometimes but really they're not - compared to someone else. I am so fortunate, so blessed. And even those that seem more "blessed" than I do - ie: those that appear to have a "perfect life" or those that have appear to have perfect skin, a perfect family, those that sleep all night and wake up refreshed, those that never freak out, never lose it, have the perfect voice, etc....I dont know the cost of that smile they always wear on their face (i have my own smile and nobody really knows what it costs ME). Everybody's got problems but everyone's got blessings as well. We just don't stop to think and realize sometimes...

This is my life and God gave it to me and I'm going to appreciate it and accept it and learn to live it the best that I can. 

And speaking of which....I thought about "contentment."  In Philippians 4:12 Paul tells us that he has learned to be content. Why? Because, (he tells us in the next verse) he has learned: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."  Note to self - look up the meaning of the word "strength".

Lord strengthen me so I can be content with everything knowing that I can handle anything. And thank you for every good and perfect which comes from above. <3

#grateful 

She's not alone....

I can't wait til this season is over ... Can't wait for these wounds to heal enough to be able to talk about it.  But honestly I pray that I wouldn't forget the times like these. Somebody needs to know they're not alone. I pray that God would send me that person who is going through things that I'm going through - things that nobody except another in the same situation would truly be able to understand. I want to tell them that they're not alone. Thomas' hand fit perfectly in Jesus' scars. I believe that God is gonna send me my Thomas. 

There's a little girl out there that needs to know that someone else knows what it feels like to feel like she's dying...to feel like her body is attacking her...to feel totally alone and totally crazy...to have all this junk inside but to know that someone greater than she has felt pain much worse than that...has had everyone walk away because as much as He tried to explain it to them they just couldn't fully comprehend...has seen the junk inside of the girl and knows exactly what is going on in her body and heart and spirit and mind and yet He calls it beautiful and He will not give up and He knows exactly how to fix her. </3 ~ <3.


Lord, let her know she's not alone :,(

Just when "my heart was grieved and spirit embittered" and just before "I was senseless . . . a brute beast before [God]" He came to once again encourage me and strengthen me.  I have faith that even when it feels like I have NOTHING or NO ONE, GOD is with me.  And that when I feel like I'm giving and giving and giving and it's a strain, GOD will give the increase because I'm investing in eternity and He honors that.  Right now He's telling ME to STAY.  And He promises that even if everyone else walks out on my life HE will never leave me or forsake me and for that I can be thankful and for that I can stay strong.  And when He does release me to GO FORTH He will walk with me.  For now though I have to stay because there is a purpose in this place, in this time.  So....I'm here for the long haul.  Even if it hurts sometimes and I feel like I dont know how much more I can take, GOD knows how much more I can take.

Lord just guard and soften and strengthen my heart.  Help me to be bold and courageous no matter what comes my way.  Teach me what it means to trust You.  To trust You with everything.  To worship You.  To offer myself and whatever I have as a sacrifice, including my pain and fear.

Fan the Flame

2 Timothy 1:6 says to "fan into flame the gift of God that was given" to us.  Tonight God made me fan that gift into flame - stir it up and once it erupted in me, it continued to flow.  The gifts of God - they're like magma.  They're just waiting for that bubbling to start.  They need to be released so they can be like lava and flow flow flow and once that eruption happens it keeps on flowing.  

I thought about faith this morning and tonight as well.  Faith is kind of the same.  Matthew 17:20 and Luke 17:6 say that faith is a "seed."  Well, a seed is buried underground.  It gets watered and we don't necessarily see it grow but then we have to harvest it.  And some things sprout up from the ground and we can see them and know when they're ready to be gathered and consumed and some things remain underground.  But the faith is there.  The seed has been planted in us.  Romans 12:3 tells us that we've each been given a "measure of faith." When we're going through something when we forget that we have faith, that is when we need to dig it up and remember that it's there.  The trials let us know if we're ready to reap.