Zephaniah 3:17

I'm having a horrible horrible night but as I'm over here journaling and frustrated that nothing is working out right now and nothing is calming me down, I try to type something at the end of the entry and it ends up in the middle lol but it's good; it's like symbolic/prophetic. Even though in the flesh I'm a hot mess right now and I'm exhausted and upset I found the strength in the depth of my heart to say: "But God, I know that you love me. I know that you're not just being silent because you're mad at me. You don't do that." And as I wrote that I could finally start to breathe some deep breaths. I share this with you because a lot of times I complain lol and I want you to know that I still have faith. And I share this also because I want you to know that in the midst of the worst storm of your life, God always has a word for you. I tell you I tried pretty much everything I could think of to calm down but I just kept getting more and more upset. But finally I said "Ok God I guess I have to do this on my own." And as I vented to God, I unloaded the contents of my heart. Instead of taking out the anger and sadness and whatever on anyone else or on myself I was able to take it out on God and not really in a blaming way but in a "God this hurts" way. He understands that way. Who knows if He was just waiting this entire night for me to say "Ok God here I am help me". I tell you NOTHING ELSE WORKED TONIGHT EXCEPT BEING QUIET WITH GOD AND TELLING HIM WHAT WAS BOTHERING ME. I had to find His promise for me. Once I found God's promise I calmed down. Why? Because I saw growth - in the past I would've never had the courage and strength to say that and I would've had to rely on other people to remind me that God loved me. And, I guess it's like: His love, His promise is an anchor in my storm. I pray that whatever storm you're going through you would find an anchor for your soul. 

I can rejoice in my sufferings (at the moment....a few hours ago not so much lol but now that I'm calmer, yes) because I have this faith that makes me not give up. I have this promise - that He loves me. It's crazy because I have never quite understood God's love and I knew He loved me but didn't know how powerful it was or what it meant for me NOW. But just now I saw - and I PRAAYYY that I remember this moment - that the promise of God's love (and of His presence) soothe my heart. I think that's the ONLY thing that woulda done it tonight/this morning. Now I may even be able to sleep...