Still reflecting on the word that God gave me this weekend. The word that I had been waiting for, for a long time. And as I reflected, I realized I had gotten that word before - but had refused to accept it. I remember how I desperately wanted to hear from God regarding that situation, back in July when I went on a retreat to Virginia. Wait, let me be more specific and raw! I've always seen people get delivered in really dramatic ways (now I have learned that the term for that is manifesting and it's demonic and not necessary and in fact often even a distraction for true deliverance). And in fact when I went on the retreat I saw people manifesting and I wanted to manifest too (again, I didn't realize that's what it was...and now as I write this I am receiving even more revelation about it...) I wanted God to take this thing from me. (But God is a gentleman and will not forcibly take anything from us. We have to willingly give it to Him. That's what always scared/s me. I'm like: well if it's up to me then I'm never going to get better -__-. But that wasn't and isn't the case, as I learned on this retreat. Praise God!) So as the weekend in July went on, I was like, groveling with God. Begging Him to take it from me, etc. And I was a little disappointed when I didn't get prayed over in that way or should I say, when I didn't scream or shake or vomit or things like that. But God still spoke and it was good. But then toward the end, the last day, this lady came and prayed for me. She said God knew that I was asking for a word and she said "Tonight, God speaks to you. Don't get distracted. Don't miss it. Pay attention." And I expected like a feeling in the pit of my stomach or horns or bright lights or something lol I don't really know what I was expecting. Actually I think I was expecting a dream or a vision or maybe even someone giving me a word. God can certainly speak in those ways, but that wasn't how God wanted to show up. Well in the car ride home I kept thinking of that word and waiting for God to speak. I thought I heard Him in one of the conversations, but I sensed in my spirit that He had something else for me. Suddenly, some sisters started having a conversation about the situation I wanted God to speak about. I immediately shut my ears to it because I did not want to hear it. Yes, I wanted to hear from God. But I had shut down because I was afraid (I have my reasons...) . And all of a sudden I realized: Oops! They're talking about what I wanted to know about. Maybe I should find out what they were saying (especially since part of it was in Spanish..I knew there was something there and I needed a translation because I needed and wanted to hear from God). So someone told me what they were talking about. It was two ladies having the conversation. I "received" what one of the ladies said (though I had kinda felt disappointed because I guess it wasn't what I was expecting? And because the word was about an open door to the enemy and I didn't think I had any of those but I tried to think if there was anything that needed to be shut). But the other lady shared with me what the Lord really wanted me to hear - but I didn't "hear" it. I brushed right past it and didn't give it a thought. (looking back, there were probably a few reasons why I didn't "hear" it). So I went back home, thinking: maybe I'll have a dream or God'll like come down to my room or something. And being upset that He didn't speak to me. And to be perfectly honest - using it as an excuse to remain in my sin.
Flash forward to a few months ago when I was once again battling this stronghold and God connected me to someone who one day in a conversation, told me the same word that the lady gave me (which I had not "heard" last time...which I totally forgot about until I think today). She said it so casually, almost matter of fact, no fan fare. But this time I did receive it and I said to myself: oyy if that's what's going on, I don't want it. And I thought that that would make me not want to fall into temptation again.
However, will power alone is not enough to overcome addictive, sinful behaviors. I really thought that I wasn't going to slip slide again but, alas, a few months ago I found myself wrapped up in it again. And if I am really honest with myself, I had never really fully let it go. Just the thoughts alone are sinful.
So leading up to this retreat I was fasting and praying. I knew I needed to let this and other things go. I always recommend to people that they go up the mountain with an expectation, with a request of God. I had a few specific requests. I know God was doing something up in that mountain but I still had not received this specific answer as of Sunday. But I had gone up that weekend fully intending to not be distracted but hear from God. And amazingly, God sent a pastora from kentucky that does not know me (which is EXACTLY one of the things that I prayed for) to tell me what I needed to hear. And you know what? It was the same word that I got back in July and several months ago!!! The only difference was, I was finally ready to hear it. And I was and am willing to do whatever it takes to completely demolish this and other strongholds!
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