IN trouble

In this world we will go thru things. We will experience pain. We will have troubles. God does not promise to necessarily take the pain away. Notice, in Revelation, God says He will wipe away every tear from our eyes. That's a promise for the end times - when we get to eternity God will wipe away every tear. Here on earth, we're gonna go through things. God over and over again promises:

- I will be with you IN times of trouble
- a very present help IN times of need
- though you pass THROUGH the water it will not overtake you and the fire will not consume you

Now, can God deliver us from things? YES! 

- Daniel was delivered from the lion's den
- David was spared from his enemies 
- Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were lifted from the fiery furnace

But there are times when we are going to have to pass through situations. But we can be assured that 
- there is a fourth man standing in the fire 
- He will uphold us with His righteous right hand (with the same right hand with which he delivered Israel from her enemies)
- He will never leave us or forsake us 
- He will sustain us 

Jesus said, "In this world you will have tribulation. But take heart, I have overcome the world." (John 16:33.

Be encouraged <3

Romans 8:1 and Romans 8:28

I was thinking today - I can't regret the things that I've done or not done because God is in control of my life. Have I made mistakes? Of course. But sometimes God uses our mistakes to get us back to where we're supposed to be. And sometimes God protects us from making worse decisions. When the enemy comes to mess with my mind he'll make me regret not making closer friends in high school or college, or make me feel bad about not getting along with certain people or feeling rejected and not going certain places. But God knew who was supposed to be in my life and also what the people I wanted to talk to were like.


I feel bad sometimes like I wish I would've done better in the first college I went to but then I remember there is no condemnation in Christ and if I hadn't come home from college I wouldn't have probably been where I am now and in the emotional and spiritual and physical state that I'm in. I regret some of the things I've done especially in college but I know that Jesus does not remember our sins and I just have to not listen to condemning thoughts - shoulda coulda woulda but I didn't! Shouldn't have couldn't have wouldn't have but guess what - I did! Regret is not going to undo what I've done but I don't have to let it negatively affect me. Plus, I see how I am using those devastating experiences to minister to other people. I have a clear understanding of how certain people feel because of my past and I'm able to bring a unique perspective that many other counselors cannot offer.


So this is me encouraging myself...I encourage you to encourage yourself as well. God works all things together for good. God is in control. God makes all things new.

Change my heart.

I'm asking You oh God to keep changing my heart
Don't give me a new one 
Because I know that even though the heart is deceptive 
But I also know You created me.
I know You placed a special love, a special grace, a special compassion, a special desire in my heart.
I know there's no one like me.

I'm asking You oh God to keep changing my heart. 

You know I've used this gal and she has done me well. 
You know the times I've served You and Your people with this heart. 
But You also know the scars on this heart 
That come as a result of doing Your will in a broken world. 
You know the times I've held back
And You know the fear that creeps in. 

I'm asking You oh God to keep changing my heart
Until it becomes more and more like Yours.
There is no confusion in You.
No doubt.
No disease.
No sin lives in You and You can't live with sin.
Deliver me from evil. 
Don't just deliver me from behaviors or thoughts
Break the chains off my heart.

My heart is fertile soil for You
But I'm afraid the vines have tried to overtake it.
Vines of sin and fear and laziness. 

Don't get rid of it completely.
Keep that which is pleasing to You.
Strengthen that which remains.
Smooth out the stoniness of it. 
May I be clay in Your hand.

Dark Night of the Soul

Allow me to share my heart tonight (I shut the computer to do some reading before bed but had to turn it on again to share this). I'm going through an old journal and see a shocking parallel to what I am currently experiencing. I WISH it weren't so. I wish that I could be done with these things once and for all but I am so thankful. I'm thankful for God's faithfulness and consistency in my life; that He has never left me or forsaken me, even in my mess and my mistakes. I am thankful that He brought me to this point and has led me to read these journals. So I wanted to share a poem that I began back in 2013 and continued today. I sense that just as this poem is continuously being added to and altered, this is not the end of me. Perhaps this is not the end of the situation. But there's a hand that holds me when no one even knows what I'm going through (and that's the way it should be). There's a God that loves me and does not reject me.
I'm in awe, as i write this, because GOD who is the only one who has the right to turn His back on me never does. I know I'm accepted but I struggle with accepting certain parts of myself. It's just beautiful, because I would expect that in these very situations God would want to look away from me but instead He constantly showers me with love and support and protection. Incredible. <3 Him so much. Be encouraged, whoever you are who is going through something.

This is the dark night of the soul.
This is where the scriptures come alive and fight for me,
Where God raises up a standard on my behalf against the principalities.

This is the valley of the shadow
Of death? No, for I shall live. But perhaps, yes, for something in me has to die
And if yes, well then this is where God fulfills His vows:
In sickness and in health.
Oh wait, oh even death could not do us part
Because we are One. We are of one heart.
Even though my section seems contaminated.
Now is where He begins to soften me, smooth me, and clean me
Because I feel so dirty –
Truly a mess
But God loves me as I am.

And this is where He shows me.
This is where God shows me unconditional love.
And where He teaches me to offer myself, and Him, the same.

Oh God,
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
May I fear no evil for You are with me
May You lead me by still waters
May You take me by the hand and deliver me
But not until I’ve learned what I need to learn.

The name of Jesus

How many know that when our bodies are sleeping our spirits are still awake. Our spirits never sleep. Last night I had a rough night. Had trouble sleeping and when I did fall asleep I had a horrible nightmare. I woke myself up screaming JESUS at what seemed to be the top of my lungs but I know it wasn't. I was aware that it didn't come from my mouth. It was from my core. So thankful for the name of Jesus and the power of the name of Jesus and the ability to say the name of Jesus. Truly there is no other name you need. <3 :,) And it is my prayer that God would wake someone up saying the name of JESUS. Someone who doesn't know Him yet. He is able. <3

It works!!!

To be honest, I've struggled with Ephesians 6 regarding putting on our spiritual armor. But the last few days I've been praying a little differently...not just regurgitating the scriptures or what I've heard people pray, I've been praying from my own words. So yesterday, I prayed / armored up, and I had a few "thoughts" and maybe an urge or two. But they were all in passing. They didn't stay and they didn't spread to my heart or my body. And I heard God say "that's the armor of God." Even today, although it wasn't perfect, certain things that would have sent me over the edge, didn't effect me! 

I'm thinking about the NA slogan: It works if you work it so work it it's worth it. 

And I'm thinking, like someone said yesterday "Test God" MEANING be honest with God and say "I'm struggling with my faith in this. I need you to come through. I'm gonna pray and I need you to answer." 

God is relentless

God is relentless haha. <3 I had had some prayer time earlier but then I had to stop and wanted to continue because I had a few specific prayers to pray. And I said: I'm going to my prayer closet...just going to take one or two things, not going to read this particular book, not going to deal with this issue right now because I have other stuff I need to pray for. And God allowed me to pray and it was all good and then I was done with that and was gonna go back upstairs and He said "wait...what's that in your heart?" And I'm like: "Ugh...ok." So I start venting to Him lol. And then I felt to open the Bible...I asked Him to speak to me through His Word but I had a few specific verses in mind that I wanted to find. And I had this notebook and it said "Always LOVE" and I'm just looking at it, like: Ok.... So then I start reading the Word and what I found was actually not what I was looking for and when I did find a few things that I had been recently looking for it didn't really touch me. Why? Because what I found was so much better - It was ALLLL about God's steadfast love (and various associated topics). Also, I told God: "Hey I'm doing pretty good! I don't blah blah blah." And in His mercy He showed me an area that needs some work. I'm so thankful that He would care about me so much that He would want to work on me. And that He is so hopeful and confident that I will be changed, that He bothers to talk to me. I got so enveloped I didn't realize I spent TWO HOURS down there!!! He's so merciful. So amazing. And I'm just in awe because I really didn't plan for any of that lol. That's how "dates" with our "spouses" should be! SURPRISE! God never ceases to surprise me. And it shows that even though I try to avoid dealing with certain things, I see that God still has my heart. Because I could have still resisted. I could have refused to stay in that prayer closet. I could have gone upstairs to eat lunch and play video games. But I stayed. It also shows His power. He is so beautiful that He makes me want to stay with Him. His love draws me closer all the time...

Zephaniah 3:17

I'm having a horrible horrible night but as I'm over here journaling and frustrated that nothing is working out right now and nothing is calming me down, I try to type something at the end of the entry and it ends up in the middle lol but it's good; it's like symbolic/prophetic. Even though in the flesh I'm a hot mess right now and I'm exhausted and upset I found the strength in the depth of my heart to say: "But God, I know that you love me. I know that you're not just being silent because you're mad at me. You don't do that." And as I wrote that I could finally start to breathe some deep breaths. I share this with you because a lot of times I complain lol and I want you to know that I still have faith. And I share this also because I want you to know that in the midst of the worst storm of your life, God always has a word for you. I tell you I tried pretty much everything I could think of to calm down but I just kept getting more and more upset. But finally I said "Ok God I guess I have to do this on my own." And as I vented to God, I unloaded the contents of my heart. Instead of taking out the anger and sadness and whatever on anyone else or on myself I was able to take it out on God and not really in a blaming way but in a "God this hurts" way. He understands that way. Who knows if He was just waiting this entire night for me to say "Ok God here I am help me". I tell you NOTHING ELSE WORKED TONIGHT EXCEPT BEING QUIET WITH GOD AND TELLING HIM WHAT WAS BOTHERING ME. I had to find His promise for me. Once I found God's promise I calmed down. Why? Because I saw growth - in the past I would've never had the courage and strength to say that and I would've had to rely on other people to remind me that God loved me. And, I guess it's like: His love, His promise is an anchor in my storm. I pray that whatever storm you're going through you would find an anchor for your soul. 

I can rejoice in my sufferings (at the moment....a few hours ago not so much lol but now that I'm calmer, yes) because I have this faith that makes me not give up. I have this promise - that He loves me. It's crazy because I have never quite understood God's love and I knew He loved me but didn't know how powerful it was or what it meant for me NOW. But just now I saw - and I PRAAYYY that I remember this moment - that the promise of God's love (and of His presence) soothe my heart. I think that's the ONLY thing that woulda done it tonight/this morning. Now I may even be able to sleep...

Save the oil!

I'm usually very conscious about how much things cost and I'm grateful for what I have and I try not to waste anything. Today I thought to myself after cooking: man I use a lot of oil. And then it just gets spilled out because it's too much. And at first I thought, "Eh. It's just oil. It's not that expensive or anything." But then I thought: "Oh no. Wait. Actually olive oil is VERY expensive." So for lunch I wasn't able to save it though I tried. It just wasn't working. But for dinner I saved some oil and hopefully it kept and I can use it tomorrow. 

To bring it to the spiritual side:
 
1) Christ does that for us. He's like: This girl is worth too much; she is worth my life. So I'm not gonna let her go. I'm gonna pick up every last morsel and use and reuse it. I'm not gonna waste anything. I'm not gonna let her just fall down the drain. She is very valuable.

And then 2) We should be like that with the anointing and with our relationship with God. We're like: Eh, it's just worship. It's just prayer. It's just reading some scriptures. It's just church. It's just a meeting. It's just a phone call. Whatever it may be for you. And we just get so lazy with things and let it slip away. We should also be like that with our friendships/relationships. Eh, we'll talk some other time. Oh, tomorrow I'll remember to tell him I love him. 

We try to save what is valuable to us, what seems pricy, what we have poured into/invested in. Even though sometimes we want to give up precisely because we've poured so much into it. But the point is, we should show honor to those to whom honor is due and let them know that you care. Have we counted the cost of following Christ? (Philippians 3:8) Because He counted us worthy (Hebrews 12:2). 

#justsaying.

Surrender

Yesterday I was in the middle of asking God to help me to surrender. I got about half way through and He stopped me. And He was like: Stop asking me that. People may be confused by that but I knew what He meant. He didn't mean that I shouldn't ask for help. What He meant was that sometimes, at least for me, when I ask for help, it's an excuse. It's me saying, "God really I don't want to take responsibility so I'm going to act like I'm weak so that YOU'll do it for me." Something like that. So God told me: Just do it. So I lifted my hands and said "Ok God. I surrender. I'm taking my hands off of this. Only you can do it. But you CAN do it." Then of course when that happens, you may feel strong for a little while and then the battle comes when you REALLY have to believe God and you REALLY have to do what you said you were going to do - i.e., let God fight your battles. Aye. No es facil. It's not easy. BUT I know that I know that the ONLY one who can do it is God. I am just going to make things so much worse if I try to change things. So God, I'm taking my hands off of it and I'm gonna let You work Your miracles. 

People, hold on. When it seems CRAZY is when you're gonna want to give up the most but that's when you have to trust Him the most. When you really have to press in and praise Him and cry out to Him and seek Him and obey Him. You may be trying to fix things and while you're trying to fix it, you're actually blocking or delaying God's plan. Listen, one way or another, God's will will be done....I'm gonna pray....

God I pray right now for myself and all your children who are reading this. I pray God that we would cling to You God and hold on to You when we are scared. God, we believe that You are working things out when all Hell breaks loose. We believe that You have our lives, our families, our jobs, our health in Your hands. But sometimes it gets crazy and it's hard to just be still and know that You are God. So just hold Your people God. Hold us. God there are a lot of people right now who are hurting because You are in the process of or about to begin completing the work in their families or their lives but it's so scary and it's so painful. So please God I send Your word of comfort to them even right now. Hold us God. Have mercy on us, on our hearts. Comfort us and help us to say no when we need to say no. Help us to keep our peace in the midst of what we're going through or what is happening around us. Finish the work that You've started in us or start a work in our lives in those areas that we have been pidiendole - praying for for the longest time. God we need You. Let everyone receive Your peace tonight as they read this. And even those that are not reading this. God, they, we, need You. And we love You God and we desire to do Your will and we desire to see Your glory God. God have Your way. In Jesus' name. 

The Word of God in Psalm 34:10 says that those who seek the LORD will lack no good thing. Psalm 23:1 says that the LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want. . . . I once tried to tell my niece about Psalm 91 where it says that He will command His angels concerning you that your foot should not strike a stone. She replied: "but my foot has struck a stone before." She didn't understand at the time that we can't always take it literally. And it reminded me of this. These two scriptures say that God meets all of my needs. Philippians 4:19 also says that. However, first of all we have to look at the context. Second of all, David who wrote the Psalm knew what it was to be in lack. And you and I have had times when we're lacking something. Actually, if we didn't have lack, we wouldn't need a God or know Him as provider. 

I thought of this scripture in the following manner: to me I have experienced lack in my relationships. I have often felt like I was missing something or not completely satisfied. To be honest, I have had to battle with rejection and fear, with loneliness and bitterness. But God has shown me and is showing me: humans are fallible. And I of all people should know that since I am a fallible human just like the rest. Yes there have been times when people should have stepped up to the plate and didn't and there were times when I should have been there for someone or done something for someone and I didn't. But where others or I failed, God met the need. Maybe I don't have certain relationships with certain people, but I am still alive and I am resilient and healed. So God must've done something right. He would always either send someone else to meet my need, even in unexpected ways, or He himself would minister to me or miraculously save me or give me what I've needed. Even and perhaps especially when I didn't serve Him or I didn't ask. Even when I don't realize. 

I am surrounded by many people who genuinely love me and are committed to praying for me as the Spirit leads them. But they are not here in the middle of the night or in the times of my temptation. I can't always go to them to talk or pray. Just like I'm really not available 100% of the time. Nobody really is. But if people pray for me or think of me it's under the direction of God anyway. And regardless if I come to anyone's mind, God sees me. And I don't know if in these times people happen to be praying for me but I have learned how to pray for myself. And where I lack, the Holy Spirit prays for me. And when I can't think to pray or I'd rather fight or run, God dispatches His angels as Jesus intercedes. And then the battle passes and I can have some rest.

Are my feet going to occasionally strike a stone? Yes. Are people going to fail me? Yes. But when the smoke clears and my heart settles I understand that I am loved and surrounded by loving, praying people and a mighty and loving God. If I made it this far it's because I do not lack anything.

I truly can say, "All I have needed Thy hand hath provided. Great is Thy faithfulness Lord unto me."