Philippians 1:18b-19

It's late but I would be remiss if I didn't document at least a little bit of what's going on right now.

Just have to say...this has been a really difficult season in my life but yet I can't help but thank God. In some ways, this is all new for me which is part of why it's so difficult. But another thing that's new for me is my reaction. I can honestly say, even though it's a battle and a half and I'm not out of the woods yet, I am learning that God is walking me through, directing my paths, making straight ways for me, keeping me safe, sustaining me, and holding me. And He is giving me such revelation that I cannot help but be thankful.  And I'm thankful in advance because even though at times I want to just give up on the process it is in this season that I am seeing just how valuable the "fire" is and how God is our light in the darkest times.  It's like, even though my faith is struggling in some ways, in other ways I've come to a new dimension of faith. And, from that faith, again, springs GRATITUDE! And I believe that that gratitude is what is in part opening up doors for me - doors of MORE REVELATION, MORE JOY, PEACE. In the midst of the stormiest storms there is a certain safety that I feel - knowing that I am in God's hands, knowing that I have my family (blood family and church family) by my side whenever and in whatever capacity I need them.

And I am so grateful because I know that this healing, this deliverance process that is taking place, it is not only benefiting me but it is benefiting other people. And that's always my prayer - "God make it worth it!!! Use it for Your glory!" As I'm finding out the truth (and ... trying to ... accept it) God is surrounding me with other people that need to know that truth - of course in His timing. It's amazing because I'm not even through with the process yet and I'm already experiencing God's glory - I'm already seeing His purposes revealed. And also, He's surrounding me with people that have insight on what I'm going through because, lo and behold, they are going through it too.  I'm learning that I'm not alone.  Thank God for the people that sharpen my iron and for those whose iron, God-willing I can sharpen too.

This is my life and I wouldn't trade it for anything

Last night when I was washing my face I started thinking: "Ugh...I am so sick of being 'Jess'!" I just get so sick of myself sometimes but then I thought about it and - - - I wouldnt change it for the world. I wouldnt want to be somebody else. The problems that I'm going through seem so big to me sometimes but really they're not - compared to someone else. I am so fortunate, so blessed. And even those that seem more "blessed" than I do - ie: those that appear to have a "perfect life" or those that have appear to have perfect skin, a perfect family, those that sleep all night and wake up refreshed, those that never freak out, never lose it, have the perfect voice, etc....I dont know the cost of that smile they always wear on their face (i have my own smile and nobody really knows what it costs ME). Everybody's got problems but everyone's got blessings as well. We just don't stop to think and realize sometimes...

This is my life and God gave it to me and I'm going to appreciate it and accept it and learn to live it the best that I can. 

And speaking of which....I thought about "contentment."  In Philippians 4:12 Paul tells us that he has learned to be content. Why? Because, (he tells us in the next verse) he has learned: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."  Note to self - look up the meaning of the word "strength".

Lord strengthen me so I can be content with everything knowing that I can handle anything. And thank you for every good and perfect which comes from above. <3

#grateful 

She's not alone....

I can't wait til this season is over ... Can't wait for these wounds to heal enough to be able to talk about it.  But honestly I pray that I wouldn't forget the times like these. Somebody needs to know they're not alone. I pray that God would send me that person who is going through things that I'm going through - things that nobody except another in the same situation would truly be able to understand. I want to tell them that they're not alone. Thomas' hand fit perfectly in Jesus' scars. I believe that God is gonna send me my Thomas. 

There's a little girl out there that needs to know that someone else knows what it feels like to feel like she's dying...to feel like her body is attacking her...to feel totally alone and totally crazy...to have all this junk inside but to know that someone greater than she has felt pain much worse than that...has had everyone walk away because as much as He tried to explain it to them they just couldn't fully comprehend...has seen the junk inside of the girl and knows exactly what is going on in her body and heart and spirit and mind and yet He calls it beautiful and He will not give up and He knows exactly how to fix her. </3 ~ <3.


Lord, let her know she's not alone :,(

Just when "my heart was grieved and spirit embittered" and just before "I was senseless . . . a brute beast before [God]" He came to once again encourage me and strengthen me.  I have faith that even when it feels like I have NOTHING or NO ONE, GOD is with me.  And that when I feel like I'm giving and giving and giving and it's a strain, GOD will give the increase because I'm investing in eternity and He honors that.  Right now He's telling ME to STAY.  And He promises that even if everyone else walks out on my life HE will never leave me or forsake me and for that I can be thankful and for that I can stay strong.  And when He does release me to GO FORTH He will walk with me.  For now though I have to stay because there is a purpose in this place, in this time.  So....I'm here for the long haul.  Even if it hurts sometimes and I feel like I dont know how much more I can take, GOD knows how much more I can take.

Lord just guard and soften and strengthen my heart.  Help me to be bold and courageous no matter what comes my way.  Teach me what it means to trust You.  To trust You with everything.  To worship You.  To offer myself and whatever I have as a sacrifice, including my pain and fear.

Fan the Flame

2 Timothy 1:6 says to "fan into flame the gift of God that was given" to us.  Tonight God made me fan that gift into flame - stir it up and once it erupted in me, it continued to flow.  The gifts of God - they're like magma.  They're just waiting for that bubbling to start.  They need to be released so they can be like lava and flow flow flow and once that eruption happens it keeps on flowing.  

I thought about faith this morning and tonight as well.  Faith is kind of the same.  Matthew 17:20 and Luke 17:6 say that faith is a "seed."  Well, a seed is buried underground.  It gets watered and we don't necessarily see it grow but then we have to harvest it.  And some things sprout up from the ground and we can see them and know when they're ready to be gathered and consumed and some things remain underground.  But the faith is there.  The seed has been planted in us.  Romans 12:3 tells us that we've each been given a "measure of faith." When we're going through something when we forget that we have faith, that is when we need to dig it up and remember that it's there.  The trials let us know if we're ready to reap.  

Worship Restores

Worship God.  Worship God.  Even if you feel like you have nothing.  All God wants is your worship (if u think of it, everything you do unto God is as worship).  Your worship will refresh you.  Worship.  Even if you're exhausted.  When you've been carrying a burden - especially for a long time - you can get drained.  Even to lay the burden down could be draining.  The joy of the LORD is your strength so if you worship God, He will renew you.  

Tonight I let a big weight off my shoulders but it was so difficult that I felt exhausted.  Suddenly I said: "I have to worship.  I have to go to church and worship because I know that will refresh me."  And it did.  

See as I worshiped I replaced the grief, the pain, the anxiety with joy and peace and trust and victory.  

 ^"24 “When an impure spirit comes out of a person, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left.’ ²⁵ When it arrives, it finds the house swept clean and put in order. ²⁶ Then it goes and takes seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that person is worse than the first.” Luke 11.  

When we are emptied and cleaned up and put in order, then we need to be filled again so those demons, those problems, dont have any place in your heart, in your mind, or in your spirit.  So worship God.  After all, He is worthy.  And, He loves you. 

Balm in Gilead

A bunch of times now I've heard about the "Balm in Gilead" and I wondered if it was biblical.  I mean, it sounded lovely but I wanted a scriptural reference for it.  Well I looked it up today and I was kind of disappointed with the reference....at first.  The only reference I could really find was from when Joseph was sold into slavery by his brothers.  I didn't get it.  Why would something so beautiful, that causes so much healing come out of something that caused so much pain?  But....

That's how amazing our God is!

Genesis 50:20 reminds us that whatever is meant for our evil, God will turn it around for our good.  And doesn't that happen?  Yes!  Didn't it happen for Joseph?  Yes!  And it happens for us too.  Just like with us, you could say that Joseph's ministry was birthed in the pit!  Moreover, God still used Joseph when he was in slavery, etc.  Can you imagine how that brings glory to God?  Joseph's situation blew people away and that's what God does for us too.  His brothers, other prisoners, everyone must've thought he was good for nothing.  Hey, just like when they killed Jesus the devil thought he had destroyed God's plan but little did anyone know .... 

Talk about beauty from ashes, trash to treasure, mourning to dancing.  The balm of Gilead is described in the famous song as being used to bring healing and wholeness (spiritual, emotional, and physical) to people.  Amazing amazing amazing is all I can say - that even though the Gileadans (yeah.... I could make up words kuz I got it like that lol) played a major role in the what appeared to be the demise of Joseph - though it was a source of torture - God also used those people to bring healing.  And you know what, I would dare to say that the Word of God is our Balm of Gilead.  The story of Joseph.  All the stories in the bible.  There's always something I can relate to.  And the words of these stories are what makes me whole and healed if I allow them to take root and grow and if I take them by faith and if I apply them.  


~just some thoughts.  feel free to comment.~