Ready for Breakthrough

A broken heart is a good thing, in this case.  The pain is not new, it's just only now being confessed and dealt with.  For months and months, maybe even more than a year, a little at a time, I closed myself off.  Even though I was "there" I wasn't really THERE.  You know what I mean?  I could be at a fellowship, crowded church service, home, school...I could get hugs, prayers, love, affection...and still feel ten miles away from it all, not really part of it, nor wanting to be a part of it.  When I was alone, or felt alone, I said I didn't care.  I didn't care when I didn't hear from my friends.  I didn't care when no one responded to my texts, emails, phone calls, statuses.  I didn't care when no one reached out or didn't reach out the way I wanted or didn't understand.  But really, all these situations, even those that were intended to be a blessing and not offensive, no matter what the situation I chose to seal myself off.  And each occasion I could find I would run and hide from "love".  These instances were really just chain after chain, root after root binding and blocking my heart and my mind.  

Well...praise God...He didn't quit on me and He didn't let me get too far that I couldn't find my way back.  And I'm blessed to say I'm on my way "home."  I know because last night, I started to really miss it.  I miss being connected with people.  I miss the fellowship of the heart.  I miss the touch of God.  I have it, of course, but it's not the same as it was, you know?  Well this brokenness, emptiness, longing in my heart was a good thing because NOW God can move!  Now God can fix me up.  I'm ready.  I'm ready.  I'm ready.  

Today's summit was another part of the healing process.  I was confronted by truth and by love today.  And it felt GOOOD!  It was hard because all these memories and feelings came up but it was good to once again be in the presence of my sisters and it was good to know that I'm on the road to victory.  I feel like this is all going to be resolved...sooner or later...when the time is right...

Now I'm just praying about what's next but I think I know.  I think God gave me a word last night and it was confirmed to me today.  

<3

All Things Are Possible

I'm seeing that with God all things truly are possible.  Little by little I'm seeing the promises of God coming closer and closer to me.  Wow!  What a thought!  As I write this I realize: when it comes to the promises of God, they pursue US, in a way, we dont have to pursue them!  Not to say that we dont have to do our part.  NO...we definitely have to work with God to get to that promised land, to overcome those giants, to receive His blessings and abundance.  We have to have and act in faith.  We have to be like the Abraham whose faith was counted to him as righteousness, not like the Abraham who tried to take matters into his own hands to speed up the promises of God or protect his blessing rather than letting God protect it.  We need to be like the Abraham who obeyed God completely rather than the Abraham who laughed when God made a promise to him.  

My God My God, please help me to have and act in faith and obedience.  Help me weed out the things in my life that are holding me back.  Your goodness, Your mercy, Your love, Your blessing, Your grace, Your protection surrounds and protects and pursues me.  It runs along side of me cheering me and patting me on the back.  It goes along ahead of me to drive me on. It's about time I catch up with it and start living my life.  Really living.  Help me God to really live.  Help me to put the past behind me, let go of all my fears and anxieties, and shed all the stuff that hinders me.  


God is amazing.  Life can be amazing if we would only grab hold of things instead of letting things grab a hold of us.


God, it's time for me to grow up.....to grow into that tree planted by the waters that will never be shaken, never fall and always bear good fruit.  It's time for me to be strong.....strong in You.  For it's not by my strength but by Your power.  


I'm so amazed by You Lord and Your love and Your promises.  I look forward to all that You have for me.  Whether it takes me forty years or eleven days, I want to get to my Canaan!  (And in the meantime,, the desert is a beautiful place.  Thank You God that You are with me in the midst of the desert as well....) 
<3

Learning :)

A few weeks ago God opened a door for a new experience for me.  This falls in line with what He's been speaking to my heart in this season of my life.  I'm so amazed as I sit and think about this - about all that He's done.  He knows what I'm struggling with and He has told me that He has specific promises for me but in order to receive them I need to move on from certain strongholds.  I very carefully say, I do believe this God-appointed "thing" that's happening is helping me overcome things.  I don't know where this "thing" is going.  But uncertainty does not have to equal fear or anxiety or sorrow.  I'm just letting it flow as God would ordain it.  I'm keeping positive and having fun with it - enjoying it - but at the same time trying to remain in the mindset that if certain things do not happen or are not as I thought, then it's ok.  Either way, I am choosing to thank God even now for what lesson this new experience is teaching me.  It's funny kuz I can see the promises and they're getting closer and I'm actually moving toward them with the grace and help of God.  I'm so excited :).  I just pray God would guard my heart and guide me in this new path.  I wanna do the right thing and if I'm at fault in any way I pray that He make that clear and shut the door.  But for now - hey it's wide open!  And it just keeps getting wider lol.  It's like...the signs are there but I dont want to settle for GOOD signs; I want GOD signs.

But for now, I am thoroughly enjoying myself.  This thing makes me so happy thinking about it - even if it's all just a silly dream.  Like I said, no matter what it's a learning experience and I am eternally grateful.  

Ok I hope that made sense kuz it's almost 1am.

Answered Prayer

When we ask for something through prayer, we have to be ready for the answer.  Sometimes it could be right in front of our noses, right in our hands and we don't even notice or we don't want to grab hold of it.  

I've been asking God to restore me, renew me, heal me.  Recently I've begun to realize that He has been doing just that...and/or trying to...I just have to work with it.  

I realize it's my choice whether or not I pick up my mat and walk.  It's my choice whether or not I throw myself into the pool or keep making excuses.  It's my choice whether I remain hunched over and crippled or stand up and praise God.  It's my choice whether I lay down my life, my possessions, stop trying to do things in my own way and time, stop holding on to things that don't belong to me (my Isaacs), let go of the strongholds or let go on God. And well, God never gives up His hold on me.  Even though at times I feel as though I'm unreachable or like "oh...all this bad stuff is happening to me so I guess it means that I did something so bad or so much bad stuff that God's just like 'psh forget u...' " really it's at those times that He's even closer than I think...perhaps even closer than ever before.  See because in the storms is when I'll have to rely only on Him to calm them or save me.  In the darkness is when I see His light.  In the fire the impurities are burned off.  In the bottom of the pit, when all I've tried has failed me could be the very opportunity God uses to step in and deliver and get the glory because I clearly wasn't able to do it on my own so it had to have been God. 

So today, I'm grateful for those situations and I'm deciding to decide (lol) to try and allow God to walk me through it.  I really can't do it on my own.  Last night it was said "I can't but I can through God's help".  

And I'm grateful that God is willing to help me.  And I'm deciding to decide to try and allow God to renew my mind and then walk out that newness of mind.  I will yield my heart and my will and my spirit to the Holy Spirit. The same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead is alive in me and is resurrecting me even as we speak.  It's time I just grab hold and instead of focusing on what's going or gone wrong, I have to focus on the progress and what is going right and what God will continue to do...

Oh...and...my family got some great news today too so I'm very excited about that hehe..maybe some day I'll blog about that one ;)

Labor Day Weekend

Been meaning to write this since Labor Day weekend but I haven't forgotten how amazing it was and what a learning experience to be grateful for.  So here goes....

The weekend started off with a barbecue on Friday night.  We had a lot of people over my house.  It was the first time I mixed my church friends with my family and my family friends and work friends.  Not that I'm ashamed of any of these particular groups but I just don't always know who will feel uncomfortable around whom.  But I trusted - I prayed and had peace - that it would turn out fine.  Several of my friends, from various places came.  Early on a friend of mine had an emergency.  I felt so sad for her and concerned but it was a blessing to be able to be there for her.  I'm glad whenever I can be a shoulder to cry on for someone.  I didn't know what to pray for or how to handle the situation but sometimes all you can do is hold someone and be the arms of God for them.  So that's what I did and sent up some prayers and informed a few people too.  I did all I could but I was glad it was something.  And very shortly I saw the miracle that God did and is doing in that situation.

I went to bed very late but had to get up very early to go meet up with friends for my friend's birthday party.  We were going to a waterpark in Jersey.  Thank God my brother, at one point, said I should go to bed and he and my sister would finish cleaning up so I could get some sleep kuz I needed to get up early.  It was so considerate of him!  Several things happened - a few problems in us being able to get there, including car troubles.  But my friend was calm the whole time!!!  This blessed me so much.  It was such an inspiration and I had peace and we actually had fun even in the difficult situation.  There were a few awkard moments too but God saw me through and gave me peace and joy.  I had a great time.  And, a major major victory for me (yes I said major twice) is that I wore a bathing suit for the first time in YEARS!!!  I felt a lil self-conscious for a little bit but after a while I didnt care anymore and thoroughly enjoyed myself.  Even on the scary rides.  That was another thing - I faced a few of my fears but still knew my limits as well and didnt push myself just to fit in.  And I got home in time to hang out with my sister and brother and some other people. 

Then, again, I had to get up early because my brother and I were going to Pennsylvania to see our parents.  Sunday morning I woke up and decided instead of going to church I was going to have church in my house (because I wasnt sure what time we were leaving).  I had plenty of time to get ready and had a beautiful time with the Lord. Just me and Him in my house. I even had a time of worship wherein I stood up and lifted my hands. My room became transformed and so was I!  After "church" I was about to get really upset about something and as I felt the anger and anxiety rising I prayed (and tweeted) and instantly the situation was resolved.  God truly was my "very present help in time of need".  We made it to Pennyslvania safely which was a blessing because my bro had been having car trouble recently.  I learned something too - how one thought can send me spiraling in a very bad direction and make me even physically sick.  Thoughts can really contaminate you.  This is something God's really been stressing to me lately.  I really need to work on it.  But I digress...

We got up to PA with no traffic whatsoever and were greeted by my mom with camera in hand and dad and dogs :) <3.  No greater way to start a mini-vacation.  My dad had put the canoe on the car ahead of time because he knew I wanted to go canoeing.  We sat around reuniting and chatting for a bit and then we went to the creek I think or the lake - not really sure.  But it was too muddy.  But we didn't give up.  We went to this huge beautiful lake.  My mom got in the back of the boat. I got in front - backwards!!  Then my dad pushed us off and we started floating on the water.  And we were OFFFF!!  And the current was taking us and it was a lil scary but it was a great trust exercise.  My mom had to trust that she could steer.  I had to trust that I could "steer" or at least paddle.  It was so much fun too though besides being scary at times.  It was so liberating to be out on the water just me and my mom (and the others bigger boats lol).  It was kinda quiet too.  And my dad and brother were pretty much right there, on the shore, so if anything they could've saved us.  But I just had a lot of peace about it.  But even in the nervousness I had for a little while it was a fun kinda nervous.  It was like "oh crap we're gonna flip over!" but in a fun way lolol.  (ahh you had to be there).  Then we had a nice dinner and hung out for a bit more including playing family feud online and just relaxing.  Also nice was the fact that my mom sat on the swinging bench wit me.  Sometimes I miss being physically near to my parents.  I felt so safe and peaceful and happy knowing that she was next to me.  I dunno...

Then we went home with mom and two of the dogs.

Monday I did homework in the morning and in the afternoon went to work for several hours.  It was great!

I've been dealing with some anxiety lately and that weekend I was also anxious but I know that God is with me and working on me and therefore I can still be blessed.  My eyes are open - now it's time to open my heart.  But just because I'm in a "situation" doesnt mean I cant praise my God.  It's a battle.  It's a decision. 

All I Need Is One Touch

I have so much to praise God for today - His perfect timing with me running into a friend I haven't seen in years or talked to in almost a year and allowing me to reconnect with her and allowing us to see how far we've come since we last and first met.  
- His safety, His provision, His favor and wisdom in school.


But I want to focus on one thing in particular that I experienced that was just amazing.  Here goes:


Last night after church I was so hyped and feeling the Spirit of God so strong so I just had to soak it all in and as I was meditating on my situation and all that's been happening God gave me a poem.  And I was hyped about it and wasn't sure if I should share it or what and I was all bubbly and then what I wrote actually hit me.  Because I know that I did not write it.  It was God writing to me and through me.  I'll share it some time.  What I will share is this: Acceptance is such a struggle for me.  I've often steered my life toward whatever it would take to hopefully get me "accepted" but God told me straight out last night...that's exactly what He wants from me...from all of us.  I suddenly felt the heart of God and I knew He understood me and I understood Him.  So I committed to try harder to accept Him and pay Him the respect and attention He deserves.  And then I fell asleep.

When I woke up I tried to get in His presence and I prayed but I just could feel like there was some tension there.  Opposition and distraction I suppose.  I tried to do some homework but I got frustrated and distracted and I was getting more and more irritated so I decided to just put on the tv.  I turned directly to the 700 club. As soon as I heard the person testifying of God's greatness I felt this peace flood me and this healing and mercy and grace and this joy and in that moment I was able to just praise God and then bring my situation to Him.  I was reminded of the scripture of how He is my "ever-present help in time of need".  I saw that all He wanted me to do was just FOCUS on Him just THINK about Him just SEEK Him and I realized HE IS ALL I NEED.  He is more than able to give me the strength that I need to go on.


So be encouraged.  I know a lot of us are battling a lot of different things.  It's not easy and we may have our good moments and bad moments but God is with us and He is mighty to save and deliver.  All He wants is our heart.  All He wants is to help us.  All we have to do is cry out in honesty.  All we have to do is shift our thinking.  Jesus is our righteousness.  Because of what He did we can "come boldly before the throne of grace" as the Bible says and when we're in His presence we'll find all we need.  God will not reject us.  It's us that reject God.  But the moment we call on God He is ready and willing to take us under His wings and fill us with His joy, heal us with His balm, renew us with His love.  All we have to do is ask.  


God bless.  Hope this has ministered to you.  

God speaking

Where to begin.  Well...from the beginning! ;)

Well...remember I told you in the last blog how I was late...well God used that - first to allow me to get some rest and second so I could run into a lady from the church and her daughter and walk with them and show them the love of God.  

Then I got to church and found there was a seat next to my friend.  God had put it in my heart earlier to sit with her so I'm glad that worked out.  We had a good time of prayer together and also when I lifted my hands later to receive from the Lord there was no one in front of us so I wasn't hindering or being hindered.  

During worship I could feel angels all around me.  It was amazing.  

I really received from the word spoken.  It was about how you have to wait for the door to be opened.  If you're, as he said for example, waiting for the doctor you know you have to be patient and wait no matter how long it takes because you know you have to see the doctor.  You need him.  Also if you're at a concert, you have the ticket (the word God gives you is the ticket to get you through the door.  You know you'll get through the door even if there's no seats left because you have that ticket).  Don't give up your place in line!  Don't go anywhere!  Wait!

Then they talked about healing and....wow... God was speaking!!!  I saw God's glory move about the church as people were healed and then we talked about people with the gift of healing and the pastor was talking about people who know they have the gift of healing but haven't been flowing in it.  And God had been working on my heart for a lil bit during the service about walking in my giftings.  When they mentioned about people being healed and needing healing and I saw people pray for other people who were in need it reminded me of how many times I've been told that I have the gift of healing (and I have used it too but not for a while).  So when they said this I said to myself "It's not that I haven't been flowing I just haven't been using it."  (The justification made sense to me in my head at the time lol)  Also I get really shy to let people know that I have that because I'm still self-conscious and unsure at times.  Well I started feeling the conviction and I stood up and Pastor said to receive it again tonight and to be filled again.  I know that God did something because I could feel the way I haven't felt in a while.  And I feel in my spirit like there's going to be a time soon where I'll be able to use that gift.  An opportunity when I'll need to (not that I want anyone to get sick).  Also it occurred to me that maybe it's myself who I need to use it on.  I know I need healing and I know I have to stand up and fight.  I have to bind and loose like I used to.  I have to take authority like I used to.  Anyway the presence of God was just so strong and I was so excited and Pastor also confirmed something very specific.

Also God was speaking to me about what I've been facing.  In fact in the beginning the word was that God would continue to give instruction and that's exactly what has been happening and what happened tonight.  And I got such revelation and God is doing this whole thing so gently.  I love Him so much for it. 

Oh then I get a ride home later too and got to spend time with my bro, sis and friend and got to make plans for tomorrow with another friend of mine.  

Bottom line: I'm in this for the long haul but I know that God is with me and I feel encouraged and all I can do is continue to pray it through.  

"The Prayer Offered In Faith..." and other stories

- One of the prayers I pray most frequently and with much faith is "Lord anoint and orchestrate every part of this day."  Let me just say - I know He did. He always does. Even when I think that I'm "running late" He is really setting me up.  Not only is He probably protecting me from something but He's also making sure that I get to the place that HE wants me when HE wants me to be there.  His ways are so much higher than mine.  The Bible tells me so.  


- I had a sorta rough morning but in the midst of that I still saw God's hand.  I knew He was with me as I read my textbook because He was helping me understand everything (it was in Spanish).  I knew He was with me in my frustration because He revealed to me something about myself - and it's in line with the battle that I've recently decided to come against.  I knew He was with me when I got dressed.  Well, I didn't know at first and I was really not too happy with what I was wearing and couldn't pick an outfit but then I put something on and actually got a bunch of compliments on it so I figured out that He had told me to wear it.  In fact, my sister said "you're looking more like mom every day" and she said it was a good thing.  My mommy IS very pretty so...I guess it IS a good thing ;) 


- When I got on campus God helped me find the person I was meeting up with.  I couldn't find her but she found me.  We hung out for a little bit and it turns out she lives right near me.  


- I went to class and told my professor I had been late last time but it was the bus and it wouldn't happen again and as I'm in the middle of my story he tells me he has me down as being present.  We agreed the preceding conversation never happened lol.  Also it turns out a friend I haven't seen in 5 years is in the class.  And, it was a really good class!  (Who woulda thunk it!  Art history!  Bah! lol)  Also I found an outlet so I didn't waste my battery.


- I went to my other class and it turned out there is yet another person I know in that class.  Also my friend helped me change the language setting on Word to Spanish.  I understood most of what the professor was saying and even answered a question.  Oh also, I had made a pit stop before class and when coming back to the room I ran into an old friend who told me I was "in luck" having this professor.  Confirmation that God hooked me up! :D


- I saw God on the bus as this little girl got on with her mom.  I watched her eat ice cream.  She was so proud and happy.  God's handiwork.  Made me grateful also for all the things that I can do with my body with ease. I've learned so much.  


- I took a nap and woke up a lil late for church but still went.  Well...I'm gonna create another blog when I'm done with this to describe that b/c this is getting a lil long but...


- One last thing for this one - my dad put his facebook status about me saying that I was smart and stuff b/c I helped him with fast money on family feud.  I love how God uses these little things to bring us together.  <3