Power in the Name of God - Draw Near

Last night was one of those times when I felt so far away from God.  I was lying in bed awake and just felt profoundly lonely and as all these horrible thoughts came to mind I realized that I've allowed my mind and my heart to get distracted and bruised and far from God.  But this morning I read my devotionals and one of them was about calling on the names of God.  As I read the names and descriptions of God out loud, I felt so close to Him.  I felt some of the bitterness go away and the anxiety and sadness dissipate.  I felt joy and peace arise - a peace and joy that were always there and that in the depth of me I felt last night though I was so afraid but the circumstances were blocking me from fully grasping that.  But as my faith overrode my fear I felt such a release.  Truly there is power in the name of God.  I realized what it was - I drew near to God and the Bible says in James 4:8 - "Draw nigh to God and He will draw nigh to you."

Shadrach, Meshach & Abednego

Tonight we read the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in the fire.  I've read it a million times but tonight the speaker said something so very poignant that it lead me to repentance and worship.  Those three Jewish boys trusted their God even though they hadn't seen His hand move.  They had just had their town and temple ransacked.  They were a scattered people in captivity.  It almost seemed like God had forsaken them and yet they still trusted God so much that they were willing to be thrown into the fire for Him.  They didn't try to defend themselves because they trusted that God was their defender and deliverer.  They didn't give in to fear or idolatry.  They also loved God so much that previously to this they had done a fast (with Daniel).  It had never dawned on me before.  All this stuff that they'd been through yet they still had every reason to trust and love God.  So then, what right do I have to doubt, to not trust, to put something or someone above God?  What right do I have to get angry with Him and allow my circumstances or fear or emotions to steal the worship and glory of God?  What right do I have when I KNOW GOD!?  I've seen His mighty hand personally in my life.  Oh to have the faith of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego....

A lot of times I wonder if this process is worth it.  I don't seem to be getting answers (or...answers that I deem acceptable lol).  And I worry that I'm opening a can of worms.  And I'm confused as to why things are going this way.  But I have to be aware that even if what I want to happen doesn't happen, there have been many blessings I've given and received along the way so I need to be grateful. 

Today I heard myself saying out loud "I can see it. I can see it." Even though in the physical I couldn't see it somewhere in my spirit I could see it.  That's faith!  The speaking out is the act of faith.  I spoke it into the atmosphere because I don't need to see a visual physical representation of something to see it.  The faith, the word that God gave me, His promise, that's all I need.  

Seeing is NOT believing.  Why?  I was reminded of this tonight.  I prayed based on what I believed the Spirit was telling me and then what I saw didn't line up with what I prayed but that's okay because I don't know everything that's going on.  I don't know what's going on in peoples' lives or minds.  I just have to believe that I heard the Spirit of God and prayed appropriately.  

Suddenly I'm reminded of what was said on Wednesday at the orientationthingy at Nyack - "You'll never know until eternity how much you've helped someone".  You can always choose to be afraid but you can always choose to trust in the abilities that God gives you.  It's not me, it's God in me and it's God in that person.  Who am I to judge?

In an instant...

I just think it's amazing how I can be holding onto pain for years and years and then in one instant God says one word that just smashes that lie to pieces. He speaks one word of truth and it immediately smashes the chains into pieces. 

Like, right now, I'm sitting here doing reading for class but I'm a little distracted kuz I'm not feeling well and I think of something that someone once said to me and all of a sudden God showed me that unbeknownst to her or to me, what that person said was not actually accurate and all the guilt and pain and unforgiveness instantly disappeared. 

It reminds me: 
- God said "let there be light" and there instantly was light, "let there be birds and trees" and there were birds and trees....etc etc etc...in an instant God created. 
- God is with me, at all times, wherever I go. At any moment He can reveal and He can heal and He can perform miracles...etc etc etc... All I have to do is be sensitive to Him and be ready and be open :,) 
   

Have You Ever Been To Emmaus?

So I'm on my way to Emmaus
You know I just don't understand 
Lord - if that is Your real name, 
if I can call You that, 
Where'd You go.
I thought You were the One.
Thought You would've saved us.
Thought You could've saved Yourself.
Why did You let them crucify You?
And, weren't You going to rise?
But it seems they dragged You away.


So I drag my feet to Emmaus, 
Lamenting with a friend,
And now to make matters worse - 
Some rude stranger shows up
Interrupts are conversation 
And makes light of Your death.
I feel this burning in my heart.
Friend, do you feel it too?
Am I that angry?
Anyway...we keep walking


We keep walking to Emmaus 
And this person keeps talking to us 
We listen to be polite but really don't want to hear it.
We're too sad,
Too busy missing Jesus.

We get to Emmaus 
And offer this visitor inside
He breaks bread, gives thanks and opens up our eyes.
Suddenly we realize it was You the whole time!
But then we try to talk to You - 
For now we have so much to say
So many more questions, we want to hear Your wisdom 
But now again You go away.


But this time we know that it was You 
So we run back home and share the news
And while we're talking about You, You appear again.
There You are, the Spirit of the Father, the Son, in the flesh.


Now this time around it's the others that don't believe 
But You let them touch You themselves and now they can see 


So now we all know Lord it was You all along 
Now you bless us and leave us but this time it's okay
You're sending us Your Holy Spirit to stay 
And even just this little glimpse of You was enough 
Once we understood who it was 


A few things are notable about Luke 24:
- the disciples knew that Jesus would rise but then when He disappeared they didn't make the connection - understandable though....we've all been there. We're looking for Jesus and stop short after the crucifixion.  We don't dare go past that to the resurrection - and this after we have the Word of God, we know for a fact that He's resurrected. We don't have it as hard as the disciples who had to rely completely on faith. We have to have faith - in the Word. They had to have faith in the Living Word. And if it were me, if I just watched someone I loved get killed so brutally I just might forget that He said He'd be back.

- while Jesus was speaking the men on the road knew something funny was goin' on but they didn't pay attention.  How many times is Jesus right there and I'm too busy being depressed or complaining to notice the familiar pings in my heart.  It took Him breaking the bread, it took something that they'd done/seen/heard before to remind them. That's how it is with me. Sometimes I need to, say, hear an old song or scripture that I had heard years or months ago when I was at a different season, where I knew that Jesus was with me, where God showed up, to make realize that He hasn't left or forsaken me. They may have had like a deja vu moment even. And if you want to take it a step further, it was in the BREAKING that He opened their eyes.  We need to remember the crucifixion and all that that meant in order to grasp the resurrection.  

- a similar thing happened with the other disciples.  While they were too busy questioning and being scared and stunned Jesus asked for fish.  This reminds me of when He multiplied the bread and fish (twice!).  Maybe that is what reminded them.  Maybe they had to remember His provision and His miracles.  They saw the scars but still were too shocked.  They needed that extra little something.  

- and, the clincher for both groups of people was the fact that Jesus knew and quoted the Word of God. Imagine? The Living Word of God Himself talking about the scriptures that talked about Him.  Jesus didn't need to prove Himself but He did and the way He did that was by using the source.  One way that God reveals Himself to me is through the scriptures - just as He did when He was in their presence after He resurrected.  

Amazing God!

Philippians 1:18b-19

It's late but I would be remiss if I didn't document at least a little bit of what's going on right now.

Just have to say...this has been a really difficult season in my life but yet I can't help but thank God. In some ways, this is all new for me which is part of why it's so difficult. But another thing that's new for me is my reaction. I can honestly say, even though it's a battle and a half and I'm not out of the woods yet, I am learning that God is walking me through, directing my paths, making straight ways for me, keeping me safe, sustaining me, and holding me. And He is giving me such revelation that I cannot help but be thankful.  And I'm thankful in advance because even though at times I want to just give up on the process it is in this season that I am seeing just how valuable the "fire" is and how God is our light in the darkest times.  It's like, even though my faith is struggling in some ways, in other ways I've come to a new dimension of faith. And, from that faith, again, springs GRATITUDE! And I believe that that gratitude is what is in part opening up doors for me - doors of MORE REVELATION, MORE JOY, PEACE. In the midst of the stormiest storms there is a certain safety that I feel - knowing that I am in God's hands, knowing that I have my family (blood family and church family) by my side whenever and in whatever capacity I need them.

And I am so grateful because I know that this healing, this deliverance process that is taking place, it is not only benefiting me but it is benefiting other people. And that's always my prayer - "God make it worth it!!! Use it for Your glory!" As I'm finding out the truth (and ... trying to ... accept it) God is surrounding me with other people that need to know that truth - of course in His timing. It's amazing because I'm not even through with the process yet and I'm already experiencing God's glory - I'm already seeing His purposes revealed. And also, He's surrounding me with people that have insight on what I'm going through because, lo and behold, they are going through it too.  I'm learning that I'm not alone.  Thank God for the people that sharpen my iron and for those whose iron, God-willing I can sharpen too.

This is my life and I wouldn't trade it for anything

Last night when I was washing my face I started thinking: "Ugh...I am so sick of being 'Jess'!" I just get so sick of myself sometimes but then I thought about it and - - - I wouldnt change it for the world. I wouldnt want to be somebody else. The problems that I'm going through seem so big to me sometimes but really they're not - compared to someone else. I am so fortunate, so blessed. And even those that seem more "blessed" than I do - ie: those that appear to have a "perfect life" or those that have appear to have perfect skin, a perfect family, those that sleep all night and wake up refreshed, those that never freak out, never lose it, have the perfect voice, etc....I dont know the cost of that smile they always wear on their face (i have my own smile and nobody really knows what it costs ME). Everybody's got problems but everyone's got blessings as well. We just don't stop to think and realize sometimes...

This is my life and God gave it to me and I'm going to appreciate it and accept it and learn to live it the best that I can. 

And speaking of which....I thought about "contentment."  In Philippians 4:12 Paul tells us that he has learned to be content. Why? Because, (he tells us in the next verse) he has learned: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."  Note to self - look up the meaning of the word "strength".

Lord strengthen me so I can be content with everything knowing that I can handle anything. And thank you for every good and perfect which comes from above. <3

#grateful 

She's not alone....

I can't wait til this season is over ... Can't wait for these wounds to heal enough to be able to talk about it.  But honestly I pray that I wouldn't forget the times like these. Somebody needs to know they're not alone. I pray that God would send me that person who is going through things that I'm going through - things that nobody except another in the same situation would truly be able to understand. I want to tell them that they're not alone. Thomas' hand fit perfectly in Jesus' scars. I believe that God is gonna send me my Thomas. 

There's a little girl out there that needs to know that someone else knows what it feels like to feel like she's dying...to feel like her body is attacking her...to feel totally alone and totally crazy...to have all this junk inside but to know that someone greater than she has felt pain much worse than that...has had everyone walk away because as much as He tried to explain it to them they just couldn't fully comprehend...has seen the junk inside of the girl and knows exactly what is going on in her body and heart and spirit and mind and yet He calls it beautiful and He will not give up and He knows exactly how to fix her. </3 ~ <3.


Lord, let her know she's not alone :,(

Just when "my heart was grieved and spirit embittered" and just before "I was senseless . . . a brute beast before [God]" He came to once again encourage me and strengthen me.  I have faith that even when it feels like I have NOTHING or NO ONE, GOD is with me.  And that when I feel like I'm giving and giving and giving and it's a strain, GOD will give the increase because I'm investing in eternity and He honors that.  Right now He's telling ME to STAY.  And He promises that even if everyone else walks out on my life HE will never leave me or forsake me and for that I can be thankful and for that I can stay strong.  And when He does release me to GO FORTH He will walk with me.  For now though I have to stay because there is a purpose in this place, in this time.  So....I'm here for the long haul.  Even if it hurts sometimes and I feel like I dont know how much more I can take, GOD knows how much more I can take.

Lord just guard and soften and strengthen my heart.  Help me to be bold and courageous no matter what comes my way.  Teach me what it means to trust You.  To trust You with everything.  To worship You.  To offer myself and whatever I have as a sacrifice, including my pain and fear.

Fan the Flame

2 Timothy 1:6 says to "fan into flame the gift of God that was given" to us.  Tonight God made me fan that gift into flame - stir it up and once it erupted in me, it continued to flow.  The gifts of God - they're like magma.  They're just waiting for that bubbling to start.  They need to be released so they can be like lava and flow flow flow and once that eruption happens it keeps on flowing.  

I thought about faith this morning and tonight as well.  Faith is kind of the same.  Matthew 17:20 and Luke 17:6 say that faith is a "seed."  Well, a seed is buried underground.  It gets watered and we don't necessarily see it grow but then we have to harvest it.  And some things sprout up from the ground and we can see them and know when they're ready to be gathered and consumed and some things remain underground.  But the faith is there.  The seed has been planted in us.  Romans 12:3 tells us that we've each been given a "measure of faith." When we're going through something when we forget that we have faith, that is when we need to dig it up and remember that it's there.  The trials let us know if we're ready to reap.  

Worship Restores

Worship God.  Worship God.  Even if you feel like you have nothing.  All God wants is your worship (if u think of it, everything you do unto God is as worship).  Your worship will refresh you.  Worship.  Even if you're exhausted.  When you've been carrying a burden - especially for a long time - you can get drained.  Even to lay the burden down could be draining.  The joy of the LORD is your strength so if you worship God, He will renew you.  

Tonight I let a big weight off my shoulders but it was so difficult that I felt exhausted.  Suddenly I said: "I have to worship.  I have to go to church and worship because I know that will refresh me."  And it did.  

See as I worshiped I replaced the grief, the pain, the anxiety with joy and peace and trust and victory.  

 ^"24 “When an impure spirit comes out of a person, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left.’ ²⁵ When it arrives, it finds the house swept clean and put in order. ²⁶ Then it goes and takes seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that person is worse than the first.” Luke 11.  

When we are emptied and cleaned up and put in order, then we need to be filled again so those demons, those problems, dont have any place in your heart, in your mind, or in your spirit.  So worship God.  After all, He is worthy.  And, He loves you. 

Balm in Gilead

A bunch of times now I've heard about the "Balm in Gilead" and I wondered if it was biblical.  I mean, it sounded lovely but I wanted a scriptural reference for it.  Well I looked it up today and I was kind of disappointed with the reference....at first.  The only reference I could really find was from when Joseph was sold into slavery by his brothers.  I didn't get it.  Why would something so beautiful, that causes so much healing come out of something that caused so much pain?  But....

That's how amazing our God is!

Genesis 50:20 reminds us that whatever is meant for our evil, God will turn it around for our good.  And doesn't that happen?  Yes!  Didn't it happen for Joseph?  Yes!  And it happens for us too.  Just like with us, you could say that Joseph's ministry was birthed in the pit!  Moreover, God still used Joseph when he was in slavery, etc.  Can you imagine how that brings glory to God?  Joseph's situation blew people away and that's what God does for us too.  His brothers, other prisoners, everyone must've thought he was good for nothing.  Hey, just like when they killed Jesus the devil thought he had destroyed God's plan but little did anyone know .... 

Talk about beauty from ashes, trash to treasure, mourning to dancing.  The balm of Gilead is described in the famous song as being used to bring healing and wholeness (spiritual, emotional, and physical) to people.  Amazing amazing amazing is all I can say - that even though the Gileadans (yeah.... I could make up words kuz I got it like that lol) played a major role in the what appeared to be the demise of Joseph - though it was a source of torture - God also used those people to bring healing.  And you know what, I would dare to say that the Word of God is our Balm of Gilead.  The story of Joseph.  All the stories in the bible.  There's always something I can relate to.  And the words of these stories are what makes me whole and healed if I allow them to take root and grow and if I take them by faith and if I apply them.  


~just some thoughts.  feel free to comment.~

 

I've been there ... er ... I'm there right now

To be honest, life is gonna hurt sometimes.  I can't lie to God and not mention to Him how hurt I am.  I used to hide it from Him (although He knows already) kuz I felt bad because I don't want to be hurt.  I want to rely on Him and only Him.  I don't want to feel lacking when I tell Him He's all I need.  But if I'm not honest about it, I can't let Him heal me.  So yeah...life hurts but you know: I thank God because He's teaching me something...er...I'm gonna learn something from all this eventually.  And I'll be able to tell someone else: "I know how you feel" (because it's true! I feel or felt that way too!).  Well right now I can say that too but as of yet I can't offer any advice.  I can't say "I've been through it" but maybe sometimes all someone needs to know is that they are not alone IN the desert.  

*sigh*

SPEAK

We are called to speak things that arent as though they are.  Well, then we need to be careful how we speak about ourselves.  I notice that I say things about myself sometimes that I used to identify with but that's not really me, or I'm trying to not make that "me" anymore but if I speak it it starts to come to pass.  So I have to watch what I say about myself.

The end.

Ask & You Shall Receive

God I confess there are things that I haven't talked to You about...or haven't brought up to You in a while.  I didn't want to think about it because I'm trying to just focus on You.  I'm trying to just rely on You but part of relying on You is asking You for what I need or what.  Not that You don't already know but we need to confess these things.  You just want us to let You in.  When we try to do things on our own strength we fail.  See we think that being strong means we can do it alone but we can't.  


Thank You God that I don't have to feel condemned because I have these wishes.  You just want me to be open about it so You can heal me. 


God it's been said that You're all I need.  And ultimately when it comes down to it it's true.  So I hesitate asking You for this because I don't want You to think I'm not relying fully on You.  Or..maybe I'm just putting You in the same category as everyone else I've met and I fear that I have to justify myself to You. Sorry, God.  You know it all.  And I guess, really I don't want to think I'm not fully relying on You.  I don't want to not fully rely on You.  I want to learn how to do that.  But I guess part of relying on You is trusting You enough to tell You what I "think" I need or what I hope to get or what I wish I had.  


"You don't receive but You don't ask"...that's what Your Son says.  And it's true.  So God I come to You in confidence that You will supply all my needs.  And until then God I ask that You supply right now for the lack that I feel.  Fill that void Father like only You can.  Sustain me until that time comes that You fulfill it in "that way" that I'm asking You to fill it.  And heal my heart and teach me what You would have me to learn. 

In Jesus' Name.  Amen.  

God thank You for Your protection in my life.  If it wasn't for You God - well...I actually do know where I would be...oh so many places I could be but I'm safe within Your reach.  Your hand is always upon me, guiding me.  Sometimes you allow me to experience things "on my own" but you're not too far to catch me when I fall flat on my face (lol).  Thank You that even with all the darts thrown at me and all the "stuff" flying at me, You raise a standard on my behalf against my enemies.  You always have a word of knowledge, mercy, grace for me.  You always send Your angels to minister salvation to me.  You. Are. Faithful. 


God thank You that You still use me in spite of me.  That Your plan for my life is huge and even this that I'm going through is part of that plan in the long run because...well...You know.  Thank You that it's You that ministers through me but that You minister to me as well as I follow Your plan.  Father thank You for allowing me to be a part of Your kingdom and Your plan....


God thank You that You see me for who I really am, not for my mistakes.  Though I stumble time and time again, You have given me keeping power that always sustains me and always helps me get back up again. 


Thank You times a million for everything...for being right on time and for the glimpses of glory that You give me in every situation. <3

Aaron & Hurr

When you're on the battlefield we can't afford always to look back and see who's behind us.  That's why sometimes we feel like we're alone.  But we just have to trust that there are people behind us.  We have to remember we're in an army together and we are not going to desert each other.  Maybe we're fighting side by side - different enemies.  Maybe there are people behind us just guarding us.  Moses had Aaron and Hurr to lift up his arms.  I love how in the midst of everything, I KNOW that there are people lifting my arms.  Even though it feels so lonely sometimes I'll get these little glimpses that people are with me.  That's when I have to just TRUST.  

It's just hard because sometimes you cant always tell people what you need or what you're going through but...it'll be ok...I'm sure God tells them hehe just like He sometimes tells me what other people need too so I can lift THEM up so of course He must be doing the same with them.  And to be honest, even though some situations look so dark and scary right now, I know that peoples' prayers and God's grace is keeping me....

So whoever's reading this, if you're my Aaron or my Hurr I thank u. <3

And if you're reading this and you feel like your arms are gonna fall off, I pray that the Lord would send you someone to lift those burdens and keep you and bless you and make you rise.  Amen. <3

Words Words WORDDDDD!

"The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit." Proverbs 18:21


"A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver." Proverbs 25:11


Just a while ago I was crying out to God telling Him how bad certain words have hurt me.  These words have broken me.  I said: God don't tell me these things (these beautiful things about who I am).  Don't you know what they say about me (Don't you know I'm always going to fail you?)?  And He said: Those things don't matter.  Those ways that you "fall short" we can work around those.  And I said: But God I don't want to fall short.  I feel so crushed by this stupid label.  But suddenly the Holy Spirit helped me to pray and I said: Thank You God that no matter what they say about me, when You see me You don't see the label.  You see Your Son.  And then it occurred to me: HE IS THE LIVING WORD! 


 I suddenly thought of the scripture: "The Word of God is living and active.  Sharper than any two-edged sword piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart." Hebrews 4:12


I said: Jesus I thank You that You are the Word.  As the scripture says: "1In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2He was with God in the beginning.

3Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made....14The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only,^d who came from the Father, full of grace and truth." John 1.  Thank You God that Your word is more powerful than these labels.  Thank You that You have the power to create with Your words.  Father can You recreate me?  And as I was praying this I found this scripture: 

"Is not my word like fire," declares the LORD, "and like a hammer that breaks a rock in pieces?" Jeremiah  23:29.  


So now I have a new scripture to pray.  Lord, let Your Word be like fire and like a hammer that breaks the rocks that have been thrown at me including the rocks that I've thrown at myself.  And let it burn up anything that does not pertain to our identity in You. Yes: OUR.  I want this not only for me but for anyone else who is feeling the sting of careless words, even my own careless words.  Or even carefully-spoken malicious words.  (Kuz let's be real...sometimes we think out our attack before saying it...we want to make sure it hurts...well thank God I don't do that anymore and I'm becoming more careful and kind with my words....)

Dont you just love when you're in the right place at the right time?  When you arrive at a particular moment and realize how God's hand has brought you to that point.

For instance: Today after class I went to the school bookstore before having dinner.  I found perfect (hopefully hehe) gifts for my bro and for my sister's baby shower.  Then I ran into a classmate of mine who had an important message for me from the professor.  Then I went to the cafeteria and ran into another friend of mine.  Or, leaving campus today I saw the bus at the bus stop and was able to run and catch it just in time. 

Little things like that....if I let it soak in it could really minister to me in a profound way: It gives me reason to trust God because if He's been so trustworthy with these things, He can be trusted with bigger things.  And these are only a few examples. 

Another is how I missed the bus yesterday and on the next bus was someone with a book that said "On Solid Ground".  Although it wasn't about Christ, that's what it made me think of and I thought: Wow! God arranged all these things - even someone who may not even know Him, even making her buy a book...better yet, a person writing a book and calling it that...and having her be on that bus reading that book at that time just so I could be reminded and brought to a place of worship.  *sigh* amazing.

The Cry of my Heart

God I thank You because You got me through this last season.  And now as I enter this new season, I'm trusting that You'll do the same because You never change but You change us.  I fear that the situation may not change but even if it doesn't that's not the important thing.  The important thing is that You deal with ME and MY HEART.  I hope it does change but there's nothing more that I can do about THAT part of it then pray.  But I need to not run away from this but praise You through it all.  Help me to keep my focus on You and my hope in You and not try to take things into my own hands and not try to "ignore" it.  And just hold my heart in the meantime as You always do.  Lord my heart is in Your hands, the safeset place to be.  I know that You hold me.  I know that You see my tears and hear my prayers.  I know that You're working in me and through me.  I know that this is for YOUR glory.  I thank You that I'm not alone because You are with me AND I know that You tell Your people how to pray for one another.  I thank You because I can SEE glimpses of what's to come of this.  I don't know if that's goals or faitih but whatever it is, it's working ;).  And thank You that I'm not letting this affect me.  That You have my education covered, my finances covered, my job covered, and I'm praying and believing that You have my health covered and that no weapon formed against me will prosper.  Jesus thank You for Your peace in the midst of the storm.

I love You and I trust You and yes I thank You for this...In Jesus' Name.....Amen.

New (Part 2) - re: Divine Design

Ok...without going into too much detail (because some of the particulars are between me and God and like two or three other people... and some only me and God)...I do wanna praise God for tonight.


It was Divine Design's first bilingual service!!!!!!!!!!!! 


I was so blessed to be a part of it because I've been going there for about two years steadily now and I love it and I love my pastors and the people there (which I will get into later) and I really feel like part of the family more and more now and so I was proud to see the new thing that God is doing with the young adults.  


And I soooo felt the love and the power of God upon Luke, Yvette, Luis and Lizeth.  And upon all the young people.  It was also good to see some of the older people there as well to show there support.  That was beautiful.  I felt the anointing over the worship team and I am praying and believing God for an outpouring of provision, healing, and whatever else the worshipers need.  I felt the unity of the spirit. I felt that everyone involved really believe what they say and sing and pray.  I felt so important and loved and not because of what I can do but because of who I am.  :,)  Wow.  What a revelation.  It makes me cry just accepting that fact.  That's a major breakthrough in my life.  And that is how God is restoring me.  See a few years ago there was something I would do ... good something ... and then I stopped.  And every year at the Divine Design anniversary God would remind me of it so this year I told Pastor Yvette and told her to keep me accountable.  And she is helping me and of course God is too and a few other people.  So I'm doing it again, in a different way though and God is showing me so much through this experience.  So much about me and Him.  See I'm usually afraid to try things because I'm afraid I'm going to fail especially if I've tried them before and failed.  But God told me today that when I fall short is when He can carry me on His shoulders.  Isn't that so beautiful?  To know that when we are lacking He makes up for it and that He loves us even in our brokenness.  


I thank God for the beautiful relaxing time of fellowship we had too.  I took pictures with my girlies and some dudes and it was so awesome because I'm starting to really feel good about myself lately and have been treating myself a lot better so I wasn't worried or anything.  Plus, people actually wanted to take pics with me.  In the past I would usually be on the outside looking in.  Now I'm accepted.  :) 


Aye...so much I wanna say but that's all I got for now.  It's late.  Church in the a.m. and plus like I said, some things just have to sit and stir between you and God.  More to come eventually :) 

New (Part 1)

This is going to probably take two blogs.  So much has been going on lately but I have to give God the praise and I want to share it here so someone could maybe be encouraged.

For starters, I have to say that God has been restoring me.  And it's funny that I'm saying that because I was just crying out for Him to restore me in some particular area(s) but I thank Him because there are things I never thought I would be healed from and things I never thought I could conquer but little by little.....


I thank Him for these tests.  It seems like it's been a serious testing period for me but I'm learning oh so much.  I'm seeing the fact that in order to be restored you have to go through the same thing again sometimes.  It's like...I've failed a bunch of "tests" but I thank God that in His mercy He has sustained me and allowed me to retake them.  And now I guess I'm in the phase of retaking the tests.  The parts that I still mess up on, He's allowing me to see where my heart still needs to be healed or where I need to still surrender and trust Him.  And then there are parts which I finally have begun to pass and He tells me He's proud of me and allows me to be proud of myself.  And either way He's showing me how much He loves me: unconditionally.


I thank Him because there are relationships that I thought would never be the same but some of them are like back to normal.  It's so so beautiful.  


I thank Him because He's been showing me my purpose and my passion and so specifically but at the same time, in His grace, mercy and wisdom He is showing me how to take it nice and slow.  And He's giving me peace about it.  He's giving me peace about the process and I'm able to enjoy and learn from even that.  


I know that I've changed a lot.

I'm really seeking and desiring Him like never before.  I'm getting stronger.  I'm walking into my destiny.  I'm getting up quicker when I fall.  I'm really feelin this lol.  I can't really explain it (it would take too long) but these are the things that I hold in my spirit and I have to think about from time to time (or often...).  


Never would I have imagined four years ago that I would be where I'm at now and I thank GOD that HE has brought me this far.  

PREPARATION!

I've been asking God "why am I going through this?" And tonight...wow...I received an answer.  This is preparation.  It scared me but I heard the Holy Spirit say "Why are you scared when I'm saying I'm going to be with you."  And He gave me the scripture, Isaiah 43...specifically verse 2 but when I just looked it up right now, the whole chapter spoke to me and confirmed.  I don't wanna say here what specifically it meant but I know why I am in the preparation phase. 

That part I'll share...

It's because, when I received the word I noticed my reaction at first was fear.  "Really God?  There's more than this?" Kuz the fire always seems so HOT and UNBEARABLE but we grin and bear it knowing that Daddy is molding us and has His eye on us and knows just how much we need and just how much we can take.  We will not get BURNED or BURNED OUT because He is our strength and our hope and our love.  Aye yaye yaye I can't tell you how scared I was/am.

Then my next reaction was "NOOOO!  I dont wannaa!"  I know the stubbornness comes from a place of pain.  There's still a part of my heart that needs to heal.  But I don't want to be like Jonah.  I wanna be what God has called me to be and I know what that is.  I know who I am in God.  He has shown me so beautifully and clearly and though at times I don't think I can do it, I know He knows I can do it and I am up for the challenge. 

Even just writing this today, I write this from a place I didn't know was in me ... until I had passed through some waters and been through some fires.  I know that I've been refined.  I know that it all came at a price but I now see the value. 

My Lord and my God help me receive this and ponder this so as I get ready for those times and when I go through those times, I will remember.  Cause me to use the memories of victories past to give me confidence IN YOU in this new season/situation.  I thank You that You tell me I can do it because it's not about me it's about You.  I thank You that You are getting me ready and when the time comes I WILL DO ALL THAT YOU HAVE CALLED ME TO DO.  I thank You for the call God because I am so unworthy but You have chosen me of all the people you could have chosen to do this specific task.  I'm Yours Lord and You are mine.  Have Your way Lord.  And I really mean that.  And I want You to remind me of that when the time comes :) 

Love You,

Jess

 

Voice

Sometimes something happens and it makes us just wanna cry...but we hold it inside. Sometimes we're filled with so much joy but we have to stifle that laugh because it's just not the right time or place.  Sometimes, like Mary we hold so much in our hearts.  We bury the blessings of God somewhere deep down there.  Where is THERE?  Just think about that for a moment.  Hold that thought.  Now I have another question:

What act does the devil try to prevent you from doing most times?

Do you ever feel a heaviness on your chest, a weight on your shoulders and you just don't know what to?

Well what I've learned, and was reminded of tonight, is that there is soooo much emotion in me. Sorrow, pain, joy, love.  Sometimes I feel so numb and empty but it's really that there's a build up of emotion.  I know the devil tries to stop me from opening my mouth.  He knows there is power in the name of Jesus.  He knows that when God's people cry out, He hears them.  But I know it too.  The name "Judah" in the Bible means worship.  Judah's offspring was called "Perez."  Perez mean's breakthrough.  There are many ways to worship but for this blog I will talk mostly about worship through voice because I know that's where the anointing lies for me.  


Tonight, the first thing we were told to do was to let out a "cry" (a scream).  All I did was open my mouth, take a breath and say "ahhhhh" and I felt like I was going to really cry lol.  As soon as I opened my mouth I felt the emotions begin to be released.  As I laughed for the next exercise, I started feeling bubbly - pure joy.  As I practiced my breathing I was also aware of some particular emotion(s).  As I practiced the different types of voices and figured out what I can do with the physical insides of my body I also tapped into what I can do when my spirit cries out via worship.  


I can literally feel deliverance taking place when I worship as well as when I present my poems, and even sometimes when I share my testimony. 


So when you notice a pressure upon your lips, pray that you would begin to feel more pressure from your stomach and that from that place, living water would spew out of you.  Even if all you say is "yessssss" or "noooooo" or "JESSSSSSSUUUUUUUUSSSSSS" or "helppppppp" or "aaaaaaahhhhh".  Trust me, trust God, it will make an impact. 

Praise Report

I gotta give God the praise. Always. A few reasons in particular:

1) I thank God for choir.  For one because something amazing happens when I get in the presence of God and worship and it's a blessing and an honor to be able to do that in public.  The more I think about the implications of it, the more it means to me. Aww :,)  Second because God uses the songs to confirm things over my life.  Finally, because I have made some beautiful connections with people there.  

2) I gotta say that through all of this God keeps showing me He is with me and giving me strength.  And He's showing I can trust Him.  I need to work on that one but He keeps showing Himself faithful.  

3) I'm glad I can be honest with God and He accepts me and heals and reveals.

4) I'm glad that when no one else seems to be there, God is there!  When people reject me or push me away or are too busy, I can always turn to God and He gladly welcomes me and pays attention and gives me advice and lets me cry in His arms. <3

5) I've learned that a soldier on the battlefield can't always see who's behind his back because he's/she's not focusing on who's around her/him but the war that's in front of her/him.  But it doesn't mean no one's there.  She/he just has to trust that there are people and angels surrounding her/him.  I've come to realize that I do have a great support system.  All I have to do is look.  Sometimes I'll take a break from fighting to make sure my troops are with me and ask for assistance.  But in the times when I can't, I can trust that they're there. And sometimes, I'll hear a shout in my ear, or feel a tap on my back and I look and realize I'm covered.  Elijah prayed that God would open his servant's eyes to see and the servant could see the horses and chariots of fire.  Thank You JESUS for opening up my eyes to see that people and GOD and the ANGELS have my back. <3

"Fear of man will be a stumbling block"

My thing is...I'm afraid to do things for God sometimes because I don't want to be seen. But God's been showing me that's not true humility. That's looking to others not to God and not trusting that God sees my heart. Meanwhile, while I'm sitting on the sidelines praying quietly to myself, keeping my pain hidden, interceding for someone, wishing I would have the courage, praying someone else would do it, waiting for a "sign", other people are missing out on their breakthrough. People are "dying" because I am too scared to say anything. Meanwhile, when I do make that effort, people aren't talking bad about me or judging me; they're being blessed. First of all they probably aren't even looking at me because really they shouldn't because it's not about me but it's about God. But if they do notice when I do something for God, most of the time they're glad to see me step out and if they're not and they choose to judge or talk, I wouldn't know about it and I don't need to and God will deal with it and defend me. But I'm learning that because the things I do, I do after much prayer and seeking God and under the power and authority of God (yes I dare to say that. If i'm wrong God will convict me but I have to have confidence that I am doing the right thing. yes I know the voice of God and that's the voice I listen to), people probably really aren't judging or talking. 

Well I'm glad for the steps that I took today. Even though I was afraid I stayed in that position and place where God wanted me and knew that if He really wanted me there He would show me why and if not He would forgive me and make a way for me to take care of what I had to take care of after service (which I actually didn't get to but that's ok. It has to has to has to be God's timing.......).  And...lo and behold...I think I did what I had to do. I hope and pray I didn't fail to do something that I should've done and that what I said and did was exactly as God would've planned it and that it fell on good soil. And even if I made a mistake and wasn't perfect, I'm believing that God will redeem that and someone else will do what I failed to do or maybe I'll get another chance.