Thank God for His protection

My healing depends on my words and maybe someone else's too.  I can't get into detail but I have to write a little something about a particular situation.  When fear and other emotions try to take over, praise will be my victory.  In the Bible, Judah gave birth to Perez.  Judah means praise and Perez means breakthrough.  Thank You Father!

So the thing that hurt the most about the situation was that I didn't expect it to happen.  Not once, not twice, not ever.  I was mad.  Why did God allow this to happen?  Was it something that I did wrong?  But after a recent trigger and after being a little upset at my reaction I decided to start considering...

a) God said that no weapon formed against me will prosper (Isaiah 54:17).  That DOES NOT mean that evil won't try and touch me.  It implies that: If anyone or anything does try to come against me, He will be with me.  He will protect me in that it won't be as bad as it could have been.  And, if He should for some reason allow something to hurt me, He will heal me and deliver me and so the evil won't stay on me - not even the residue.  Romans 8:28.

b) Next time, if there is a next time (though I hope there isn't) I'm praying that I may be able to use the weapons of my warfare immediately and appropriately.  But I thank God that even the little bit of warfare I did proved to be enough.  I know His angels were covering me and I am so grateful for that.  Though I felt like my voice was so little and ineffective, I saw that the darkness recognized the light and got scared away.  Greater is He that's in me than He that's in the world.

So even though it still hurts, I can still praise God and all I can do is give Him my emotions.  Jasmine and Luke say "What is the Lord trying to show you?"  So I intend to seek God and ask Him what He's trying to show me and let Him perfect His will and His work in my life.  In order to let go I gotta confront the issue.  Sigh.  It's painful but it's more painful to hold on to the pain....

Hehe God is so sweet :)

This morning and this afternoon too right before the test I was praying "Lord be with me" and "Lord help me" and even "Lord encourage me." I went into the classroom and decided on a seat and I look down and what do I see on the desk? GRAFITTIIIIII!  I thought it said "Lord Angst" I was like "haha even though I have angst the Lord is still LORD" then I thought it said "Lord Anger" like "the Lord is still Lord over my anger" but then I realized it said ANGEL! Another place it said "TRUTH" and somewhere else, I think "church" and "Love" and it even had a heart. LoL God is so sweet and so faithful! At one point I was stressin kuz I did forget some things but I said "How can I be nervous or upset when I have this little love note from God".  I know I got some stuff wrong but at least I kept my cool despite all "obstacles" and I did pretty good on the other parts. It was just a few points I probably got taken off but I'm sure I did good. And I also remembered about the lovely curve :D

GOD IS FAITHFUL EVEN WHEN WE'RE NOT

I havent read the whole bible yet but so far I've yet to find, in the scriptures I've read and in what I know of God, anywhere or anything to indicate that healing is revocable.  It's true that healing is sometimes conditional, however....what I learned is...

- God is more faithful than we are. 
- (I have to believe that) God's love for us and plan for us is much more important and powerful than our sin and the consequences and punishments of such. 
- (I have to believe that) I can not mess up God's plan for my life. 

We all fall but God picks us back up again.  He will never leave us or forsake us and is always giving us opportunities to come back and be restored. 

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has healed me.  Even though I fall, as I receive His mercy and love, He strengthens, heals and restores me over and over again.

It's almost too much to wrap my head around but my head doesn't need to know - it's my spirit. And God's deep calls to my deep and tells me "It's gonna be ok.  I know you better and I love you regardless."  God is willing to look past my failures because He knows how much I love Him. 

I hope someone is encouraged by reading this....that's what it's all about.

I Don't Wanna Miss The Chance

I pray: "God use me" but then He gives me an opportunity and it's not what I expected or not what I feel like doing or think I can do or at a "bad time" and I miss the chance.


I pray: "God bless this person.  Show them Your love.  Surround them with Your ministering angels." But I look and I'm the only one there.  


I realize You're trying to use me.


And I could say "God why them?" or "God why me?"


I could say "I can't deal with this." or "I shouldn't have to."


But You say that You've given me all that I need.  You say this is what You've called me for.  You say You welcome me to partake in something holy and special.  


You, the same God that created the heavens, the earth, and even me!  You could have chosen anyone else but You chose ME for this specific task?


It's both humbling and encouraging.  Scary and exciting.  


I am Your sheep and I know Your voice.

Pastor me God.


Shepherd me.


Show me Your ways.


Guide me with Your staff and rod.  Lead me in Your Spirit and love.  

Where You lead me, if You're with me, I will go there.  I can't wait to see what I find!

Hidden Treasure

I feel like I'm sitting on hidden treasure and I'm tired of it.  I know that God has given me gifts, fruits, talents, anointings, words...but I haven't been using them so much lately.  A wellspring of living water lives inside of me and I have yet to tap into its full power and potential.  I have to stay connected to the source - Jesus Christ.  The thing is, if you don't use something right away or consistently, after a while you could forget it's there.  It gets all buried and dusty.  But...it's still there.  And as you clean up you start to find it.  

My prayer is: God help me to be obedient and faithful and consistent...humble yet confident...in the small things because I know You want to trust me with more.  Help me stay connected to you so I can bear much fruit.  Open my eyes, my ears and my heart so when you send me opportunities to bless someone and bless You, I can do that.  And when I do, I will know that it's not me but YOU.  And may YOU be glorified in all that I do.

God has given me (and people around me) visions and dreams and little sneak previews into the future.  I can sorta see it happening now.  But I so wanna get there.  God knows what needs to happen to get me to that point.  I'm so tired of stifling my potential.  Do whatever it takes God because I want my time on earth to be valuable.

Just gotta say....

Just gotta say...
God has given me certain of the desires of my heart.  Some of what I've been asking for is: to be able to spend more time and quality time with God and continue to develop a deeper relationship. and that He would help me in school.  He's done both of these things by causing me to make one critical adjustment.  Though I seek Him whenever and wherever, and at night I try to make sure to pray and pour out and receive from God, my main time of fellowship with God is now in the mornings.  Now no matter what happens during the day, I know that I've made time to speak to and hear from God.  I can stay up late doing homework and not feel bad that I'm going to crash as soon as my head hits the pillow.  I will have already taken time with God, which should be my main priority.  I've also noticed that I somehow tend to have more time to do things when I give the first bit of my time to God.  And I gotta say, even though I'm going through a lot right now, and I have my bad days or bad moments, overall I think I can say that I have more peace and joy than before because I am learning to make peace with God and with myself.  I am becoming more secure in my relationship with God.  When I get in His presence in the morning, I feel like He's with me all day (which He is anyway but I guess it makes me aware and helps me focus on noticing it).  I get this sense at various times through the day that my prayer that He would take control of the day is coming to pass.  When I get off the bus in the afternoon, or come into the house at night, or put my head on the pillow, I am reminded that God has answered my prayers for safety.  


I gotta say, I gotta believe, I'm getting stronger and being restored (little by little) and healed and set free and overcoming and I gotta say....it's all because I'm spending more time with God or even if I'm not spending a lot of "time" with God, my heart is in a better place and God honors that even if I make mistakes or dont quite feel it all the time.  


:) <3

Just some thanksgiving reflection

Just thinking back on my thanksgiving pasts and I've had some really bad ones.  I remember for years when I was in a pit and it was horrible for me and for my family.  And the memories, particularly of one traumatizing one would resurface every year and it was always awkward.  For years I was stuck in such a pit that I couldn't be grateful.  Now though I realize that I do have a lot to be thankful for and things are a lot better than before and I really have to keep that in perspective and in mind.  


Thank God for redeeming me and healing me.  Even though I have my ups and downs, I'm much happier than probably I've ever been in my life.  

No Excuses

I know I've said before that I'm tired of things standing in my way but sometimes I still let it happen (I'm not perfect).  But God promises to keep fighting for us when we can't fight for ourselves.  I'm like 'God why do You keep picking me up again, reminding me, healing me, forgiving me....' And He says "Because you have a purpose."  He has something for me and for you to do and He will do what it takes to get us to that point (Phil 1:6).  


Tonight I was in my resistance mode but God just broke me outta that of course.  First, hearing a worship song that was a song I had in my heart when I was trying to spend time with the Lord this morning.  Then it was specific confirmations such as "You're not gonna die in the desert" which a sister had prayed over me in the small group last time and which was my facebook status Friday night.  


Then a particular brother was sitting across from me, sorta in the back, and i thought "gee he never sits back here." But God used him to minister to me a few times - twice by saying hi to me and asking how I was doing and just being there and once by actually praying with me and praying for some specific needs that I had which he had no idea of knowing about.


Then they called up the youth and I didnt want to go.  I said "Im not a youth."  But finally i went up and am so glad I did.  I hesitated at first because my heart has been so heavy all day.  But wouldnt you know it - that's what they prayed for.  And they used a scripture that I read this morning in my time with the Lord.  


All these things empowered me to fight by showing me just how much God loves me and by reassuring me that He sees me, He knows me, and He promises to heal my heart and restore me.  


He is just so awesome.  <3


Be encouraged!  God bless you and restore you.  Psalm 51.  

Putting God First

So much good stuff's been happening lately - lots of reasons, as always, to praise God...but I will cherish them all in my heart but I do wanna share one thing with you today to encourage and inspire you as well as myself (:P).


Lately I've been so sick and tired of feeling stuck and I realized that so much has been getting in the way of my relationship with God.  I always tried to read the Word and spend time with God at night but the night is the hardest time for me so often I wouldn't get to read or pray or I'd get distracted.  So lying in bed last night, God said "Why don't you switch the time then and seek Me in the morning?"  GREAT IDEA GOD! ;)  


I've heard a lot about this and although there have been times when I've done that, I always scorned the thought of that when others would tell me that.  I thought "that's not for me." or "I'm not one of THOSE people." etc.  But alas...I figured what's the harm in trying?


It was amazing!  As soon as I opened my eyes and the attacks started coming, I turned my anger and fear and worry into prayer and praise.  I got such a deep realization that God is still God regardless of my circumstances so it shouldn't matter what's going on around me - I can still pray and I can still praise and He is oh so worthy.  I had a great time of prayer, intercession, worship and then I even read the Word.  It was so powerful and filled me with such joy and peace.  (Zecharaiah 12, esp. 2-3 ... I highly recommend it)


Throughout the day things seemed to flow so much better and I feel like I had more self-control and patience and joy than I usually do.  And I saw that all day things were falling into place.  I had time to seek God.  I had time to eat breakfast.  I had time to make lunch.  I had time to do homework and found just what I was looking for and had time to eat before class.  The bus and I got to the stop at the same time.  I even got home earlier.  I only had a few pages to read for tomorrow so I had time to relax, play games, hang out with my dad, hang out with my sister and her bf and parents and bro.  I'm almost done with my paper for Wednesday.  I think it's good.  I printed out my paper for tomorrow.


I mean I could go on and on - it was just amazing!  I really think that starting the day with God made it so much better.  Maybe that's because God is honoring me but it could also be that it put me in His presence and a good mindset pretty much all day long so I was open to see what probably happens all the time but I don't have time to realize because I get so upset at times. 


Either way, I think I'll try it again tomorrow.  Also, this way if I have a struggle tonight, at least I know I did the right thing in the morning.

"Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free"

John 8:31-32 says "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples.  Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free."


I decided recently (ahh something I've decided before but then neglected) to stop hiding from the truth.  There's a song that says "...and I will open up my heart and let the healer set me free."


When we started worshiping at church tonight I was feeling a little ... "unfree".  As we began to pray thanking God for who He was and what He's done I started feeling a little more "free" but still a little off.  I remember thinking to myself (or I guess, praying to God) that I want this feeling to go away. I want to be unhindered.  I don't wanna leave the way I came in. And I want my prayers to be affective.  Because I had told God I wanted to know the truth, my heart was open to it.  I'm trying my best to follow God and to seek Him.  I am trying to learn from Him and therefore I am considered His disciple and therefore I have this promise.  And I have the promise that if I call on Him He will show me hidden things (Jeremiah 33:3).  Well suddenly He revealed something into my heart.  And as He showed me the TRUTH I was able to confront and confess a situation in my heart.  And as I did that I realized what was being said in the service.  And what was being said ... was answered prayer and the encouragement and the word that I needed.  


God got me, once again :D <3

Psalm 103:2

"Praise the Lord all my soul and forget not all of His benefits."  Ok God.  Im going to remember all You've done for me and that is going to encourage me and strengthen me and give me a reason and a way to keep fighting.  


One thing I wanna focus on and share tonight is this: what happened when I got saved.


I was standing outside of church before a youth service and was about to leave when someone dared to say hello and introduce himself.  He took me inside to meet everyone.  I was excited to hear what God had to say to me because I knew I desperately needed something.  I was interested to see that a young person was speaking. He shared his testimony of what God had done in His life.  I have no recollection what He said but it struck me.  I don't even remember what struck me but something captivated me.  I remember I wanted it!  I needed it!  I don't remember if he asked who needed Jesus, who wanted Jesus, or if he said that Jesus could do it for us too or what but whatever it was I knew I wanted Jesus and I needed Jesus.  Even though I didn't know anyone, and I couldnt tell you at this point who else was there, and it didn't matter - I ran up there.  Without hesitating, without questioning.  While waiting up there I said to myself, "I don't care what anybody's gonna say when I tell them I just gave my heart to Jesus."  I said the prayer and felt the touch of God and cried and I don't even know why I cried.


With all the doubts I have in my life, I see one thing for sure - something did happen to me that day.  I gave my heart to Jesus, He took it and filled it with the Holy Spirit - and I believed and I still do.  And He empowered me and He still does (I just don't always use it).  I started a journey that day (1/5/2007) and no matter how hard stuff gets and how far I may stumble from the path from time to time, God still has a hold.  See, Jesus didn't meet me that day - I met Him!  I had known Him and loved Him from birth.  I know this.  When I was young and innocent I trusted Jesus with my whole heart and being and wished that everyone would.  Before I was a Christian because my parents and siblings taught me about Jesus.  As life happened, I started doubting and I didn't want anything to do with God but He wanted something to do with me.  And He preserved me and brought me to the point of surrender. And He continues to bring me to the point of surrender as He draws me in "with cords of love."  Now I'm a Christian because the Lord taught me about Himself!  Now it's a conscious decision to seek and follow Christ.


Bearing all this in mind I remember there was a time when God touched me and nothing was able to stand in the way.  And it was undeniable!  And He continues to touch me.  And even though my mind or flesh sometimes gets in the way, it's still undeniable.  :D <3 <=He's so awesome!

My Oasis

I’ve been in the desert for a while now

So desperate and thirsty

I fell for quite a few mirages.

So why should this well be any different?

How do I know this is true?

Because I recognize You!

My shepherd!

The one who met me at the well!

In fact I’m reminded I have that well inside of me.

Yes Holy Spirit You dwell inside of me.

So let the waters flow.

Let me not hinder You.

Help me to step outside of myself

To dig deep within myself

And pull from my reserve.

Remind me of Your mighty hand

That once stretched out the sea

And more than once stretched out to me.

Let me not forget all Your awesome deeds

And how You’ve been the only one to provide all my needs.

Remind me I have not been forsaken

Because I know in my heart I am not mistaken.

You still have a hold.

I know He's with me and that makes it all better.

I remember I prayed about this.  Prayed in advance because I knew it would be hard.  And it has been.  But at the end of every day I can lay down and say "God got me through this day."  And in the middle of the storm I can say "God is still with me..." even if I don't feel it.  Circumstances don't make or break God.  God is in the midst.  Honestly, when people would pray for protection, traveling mercies, etc. I would feel a bit iffy because it was almost like I expected something to happen since they were praying against it.  And I wondered "If God provides, why are there times we're in lack?  If God protects, why do we still get hurt?"  And I've come to realize that God does not cause tragedy or struggle but He allows them.  Not to torture us but because it's His chance to shine.  Jesus calmed the storm - He also showed them how to walk on the water.  He didn't stop the fire - He walked them through it.  Paul said "I have learned...to be content in whatever situation" (Philippians 4:12); and we ask ourselves, how?  What is that secret?  "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" is the verse directly following.  That's the secret!  Whether we're in lack or in plenty, desert or oasis, valley or mountain, we can choose to rejoice (as He says a few verses earlier) because Christ will give us strength.  I am learning to thank God for the moments of weakness and troubles because I am learning the power and strength of God.  For He says "not by power nor by might but by the spirit" (Zech 4:6).  God is with me.  The Holy Spirit is with me.  Jesus is with me.  In the times I don't feel Him it doesnt mean He's not there but it's a perfect time to take stock of my life and fix areas that need fixing.  In the times when I feel like I'm losing it is when Jesus comes and He is mighty to save (zeph 3:17)!  

Ahh God thank You because I said earlier, if I can make it through today I can make it through tomorrow and if I can make it through tomorrow I can make it through the next day.  Well I made it through today so thank You because it's all You and please give me fresh mercies tomorrow and be with me again and again and again.  Thank You in advance.  Be glorified.  Amen.

God will give you peace when you have to make a decision

When you pray about making a decision, God will give you peace about it.  Yesterday I could've made the decision to stay in a bad situation because, well, I'm already in it and it's never gonna change because it's a cycle, and I dont wanna do this again, etc.  But I decided, instead, to get out of that situation.  I knew my heart was in turmoil over it and more importantly my spirit was at unrest.  Though it hurts because I feel like once again I'm in the same situation I've been in numerous times, I feel much more peace than I did yesterday when I was still stuck in there.  I had the courage to stand up and say something and I'm so glad I did. 


There's always a lesson behind our mistakes.  Mine was this: This has sorta happened before and after years of being stuck I unstucked myself but still am in a lot of pain over it.  But if God gave me peace about this most recent situation, He'll give me peace about that too.  I just have to learn to let go.  And, with this situation, I have to make sure to let go of any bitterness IMMEDIATELY.  I have to stay POSITIVE and not think about the negative things that happened.  And I have to try really hard not to question God about why I was in that situation in the first place.  I just have to focus my mind, trust God and praise Him no matter what.  But I'm so glad because I really think I made the right decision - and I dont care what anybody might tell me!

God, You're So Sweet

Ahh how valuable and beautiful it is to be in God's presence and have a relationship with Him.  Yesterday i put my music on on the bus and God spoke to me about something...not gonna share right now kuz it's not the right time and right now it's between me and God...and then at night I was reading the Word and I actually was feeling a little blah and was hoping God would speak to me, reignite me.  Well all of a sudden as I'm reading I come across a scripture that was similar to what God had spoken to me in the morning.  It's like God was saying "I'm not finished with You yet.  Remember what I told you before, I want to continue our conversation.  Like, God is interested in me and interested in spending time with me and speaking to me.  So sweet.  Cant wait to see what else He has to say...<3  

So THERE You Were!

So many thoughts racing through my head

It makes me wanna scream!

I need closure!

But what I really need … is to draw closer.

I need You Lord.

I need You to scream the truth at me.

Make it loud and clear.

But though I can’t really hear You I know You’re still here.

You told me to stand on this mountain and here on this mountain I stand.

The wind comes and makes my heart cold.

And I don’t sense Your warm embrace today.

But God You promised to be with me when I was young and when I get old.

So I stand and wait for You.

The earth quakes.

It shakes and it shakes me and I almost fall but I’m waiting…

Waiting for Your call

Because You promised.

But…You’re not “here.”

Then comes the fire.

I’m burnin Lord and ragin’ and where are You?

See I expected You to just jump out at me. 

See I know You were in the wind when the Israelites were crossing the river.

And I know You split the rock and put Moses in there.

And I know You were with Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego when they were in the fire.

So why are You not here with me now?

I scream accusations.

Like Hannah I keep on begging.

Like the persistent widow I won’t back down.

Like David I lament.

Like the Israelites I complain and moan and pout and cry…

And then…

It’s in the midst of this moment that I hear You.

Sometimes You speak loudest in a whisper.

Because when You whisper we have to silence ourselves.

So God help me silence myself

And hear from You.

For You’re a gentleman.

And You know me.

You know what I need and how to speak to me.

You don’t have to shout – the devil can hear you clear enough.

You don’t have to pound Your fists or stamp Your feet – You know I’ve had enough of chaos.

I am not Your enemy but Your lover.

You want to whisper sweet nothings in my ear.

Nothings that mean everything whenever I can hear.

So silence me Lord.

Be still my heart and take comfort.

Open my eyes that I can see Your provision.

Forgive me God kuz I’m so eager to hear…

And hear what I want to hear …

That sometimes I push it…

And I’m so expectant that I try to seek You in a particular place in a particular way

Maybe not realizing You’re seeking me and waiting to get MY attention.

Ahh…God…give me patience and help me not take matters into my own hands.

Now is a time I really need to wait on and trust in You…

Psalm 18:2

"The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold."  Tonight it suddenly clicked.  God is the answer to my prayers. THIS, this scripture, is the answer to my prayers.  As I climb this mountain and try to drag myself out of this pit I know it's really slippery and there are times I'm about to fall and I pray, in those times, that God just gives me something to hold on to.  I need some solid ground.  And I realize - God is that something to hold on to.  He is always extending a hand and helping me stand firm and keep climbing.  Every single time I'm about to give up - there He is.  The devil may have a foothold but God is my stronghold.  He may think he has me trapped but God is my deliverer.  


And I was thinking today, also, how the past is chasin me but if I stay on the narrow path, the road to righteousness, then it doesn't have to catch up to me!


God is offering me sure footing and a refuge and a safety and a way out....it's up to me to put my foot there....


I hope you can relate...

Rest Assured - Jesus is Coming

Ahh I love how the Word of God is applicable to me today :).  This morning I was reading in the book of John and got a glimpse of ME! lol.  

John 16:18 "They kept asking, "What does he mean by 'a little while? We don't understand what He's saying." hahahaha!  How many times have I asked that question?  Yes I literally laughed out loud.  And Jesus's response is awesome " Verse 19: "Jesus saw that they wanted to ask him about this, so he said to them, "Are you asking what I meant when I said, 'In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me?'" 
Yes Jesus! How'd You know? lol


And this is His loving and encouraging response. Verses 20-23 "Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. In that day you will no longer ask me anything. Very truly I tell you, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name."


Honestly, I'm so tired of hearing "Your breakthrough is coming...soon..." Um...what does "soon" mean?  It makes me have a hard time trusting God between that and other things that I've been told will happen "soon" (His returning).  But His timing is different than mine and Acts 1:7-8 (one of my favorite scriptures) says: "It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority. ⁸But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth."  I don't know when it's coming but when I do, I'm not gonna remember the pain I had gone through - except if it benefits those to whom I will testify and minister to, and I will receive power and the Holy Spirit will speak to me and through me.  And looking back, I don't begrudgingly remember the pain of the things I've overcome - not in a way that I would be depressed about it because being depressed and regretting things will only stagnate and hinder me but once I've received my breakthroughs I am filled with such joy because it is what was birthed from a bad situation.  And babies are born for such a purpose and so were these trials that I've faced. 


So keeping that in perspective - the fact that eventually I'm not gonna remember or be stuck on all the crying I'm doing and the sweating and the fighting but will be overcome with the joy that it's over and that there is promise and potential to this newness, this newborn freedom - and the fact that JESUS KNOWS what I'm thinking and is willing to answer even before I ask Him directly - I'm just gonna keep it moving.  This is why I can still praise Him in my storm - when I keep my eyes on Him and my heart attuned to the promises He's given me, I know that it's gonna be worth it and that makes me wanna keep fighting!

God is with me...

Faith comes by hearing .. hearing the Word of God so I'm gonna "hear this" so faith will arise...


God protects me and helps me make decisions and gives me confidence.


The helmet of salvation helps me keep focus on fight the thoughts in my head.  All fear is gone when I remember God's love that has saved, sanctified and redeemed me.  I am saved so I am forgiven and a new creation and it's time I started thinking like Christ thinks about me because when I do then I evict the discouraging, disturbing thoughts that try to exalt themselves above the knowledge of Christ.


The breastplate of righteousness reminds me that I am loved and dearly prized and that even if I make a mistake I can come to God holy and pure and blameless.  Not because of what I've done but because of what Christ did for me.  He loves me with an everlasting love and with a love that is not determined by what I do or don't do.


The belt of truth helps me discern the lies.  A life centered on Christ is a balanced life so His truth keeps me stable.  Jesus is what's keeping me together right now.


The shoes of peace will direct my path and keep me safe wherever I go and make sure I stay on the right track and if I mess up it will gently put me back on solid ground and right position and direction.


The shield of faith kicks the devil to the curb.  It delivers me from demons of fear...sends the fears to the pigs and the pits of the sea where they belong.


And the sword of the Spirit, the Word of God fights for me and keeps the enemy at bay.  The devil can't be in the presence of God so when I get in the presence of God - when I abide in His Word the devil can't even think to attack me.  


God is my fortress and my very present help in time of need.  Well God, I need You right now...I expect that You're gonna show up and because You're gonna show up I'm gonna try my best to do what's right.........even though it's hard, it's so not worth it to take the easy way out..........it doesn't even help, it doesn't last but Your Word endures....thanks in advance....<3

So glad I took a step of faith....

Lately I've been crying out to God, seeking Him and asking Him for help. But if you ask God for help, you'd better be ready to receive it. If you ask God for open heavens, be prepared to walk in!  So, one thing I've been praying lately is some deep healing that only He can do.  Every time there's an altar call though, I haven't gone up.  I keep trying to make excuses for why I shouldn't go get prayed for.  Finally today God practically pushed me up there lol (gently though, ya know?) and I found myself one minute arguing with God and compromising and the next minute walking up front...

I began to pray for myself.  I prayed that God would see this as an act of faith and honor that and continue the work of healing in my life (because I know He's been doing a great work in me).  I had been wanting for awhile now for someone to pray for me (I know people pray for me but it's sometimes good to have someone physically there) but I never allowed anyone too.  I finally trusted that God was gonna move on my behalf if I went up there.  I know that this kind of healing that I need is not an overnight thing so I didn't think I should but I definitely needed strength to continue the journey.  So I went up and I was praying that if it was His will that He would speak to me through someone or even just in my time by myself with Him.  But He did send me someone.  He sent me my beloved Pastor Blanca.  I had, in my heart, asked God that if the person He would send was from Him that he or she would give confirmation to things I was praying and receiving or a word that I needed to hear that was on point with my specific need.  Another reason I hadn't wanted to go up is because I'm tired of people acting in the flesh.  Sometimes people can mean well and especially if they "know" us they can pray what they think we need but it may not be accurate.

But this was not so today.  Pastor Blanca gave a word of wisdom and also prayed for the very things I needed prayer for.  I felt at peace and strengthened and knew that God was healing me as I was up there and I know He heard my prayer, saw my faith, and saw/heard everything I've been going thru lately and is going to continue to be there for me and see me through. <3

VALUABLE

John 10:10 says that the devil comes to steal, kill and destroy.  Think about it - if the devil is coming to steal from you and kill and destroy you there must be something he sees in you that is worth robbing and ruining.  A burglar knows exactly what he's going for.  He goes straight for the good stuff.  And he goes to the houses that he thinks will be easy to crack open and goes after the possessions that are just lying around unprotected.  Thieves are usually too lazy to look through drawers and stuff (well sometimes they do...but usually...)...they wanna go in and out because they know if they stay for too long and they make too much noise they'll attract attention to themselves and get busted.

Well....

2nd Timothy 1:14 instructs us to: "Guard the good deposit that was entrusted to you--guard it with the help of the Holy Spirit who lives in us."  I know God has entrusted me with an awesome deposit.  Only you know what that deposit is for you.  That's salvation but it's also something more - it's your testimony.  It's your deliverance.  It's your healing.  It's your wisdom.  Whatever God has given you, guard it with all your heart and don't let the devil get a foothold via open doors.  We have authority to bind the strong man (Matthew 18:18 and Mark 3:27) and steal his possessions back.  The Holy Spirit helps us.  Jesus helps us.  God helps us.  I know that the way I received my "deposit" was by being like Mary and allowing myself to be at Jesus feet.  So often it's been in the times of desperation and surrender and worship with complete abandon and an attitude that I'm going to stay here and press in til I receive my blessing, that I've received my greatest deposits.  And those are the things that the devil is trying to steal.  But you know what...being like Mary I can claim the promise that God gave her in the book of Luke, chapter 10, verse 42: "Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her."  

I have valuable deposits in me...little roses just waiting to blossom, oysters getting ready to produce pearls and I have to keep in mind that I am marked by God and I belong to God and He belongs to me and nothing is going to separate me and God (Romans 8:35-38) and nothing is going to take that away what He has given me!!

Ahh...I love when God speaks through the lies :) 

Night night.

It Makes It All Worth It...

So I'm sitting here thinking about my situation and crying out to God, pouring my heart out...I'm desperate for revelation and resolution, for truth and peace and acceptance...I tell God how I feel right now and suddenly it occurs to me...


When I get out of this, I'm gonna have a powerful testimony that will help many people...or, ya know, at least one person.  I was telling God I feel so alone right now.  Although there are many people that try to help me, pray me through, encourage me, etc. there is only so much that people can do and people can only relate so much.  The only one that could truly understand at this point, I believe, is God.  But I am sure that God is going to bring people to my life that have struggled with some of the same issue(s).  And that makes it all worth it and gives me hope and makes me want to keep fighting.  I tell God I feel so different but I could visualize myself being able to minister to others.  I could visualize that there are other people out there, who maybe right now or maybe in the past or maybe in the future are crying, have cried, will cry, the very thing that I have and am and will.  


This is what the desert/valley experience is about.  We walk side by side with each other.  As a dear friend of mine once said, in Egypt there were 40,000 exiles walking at the same time - all looking for their promised land. We're all looking for the promised land so we walk together and as one of us makes progress we can help others who are stuck in the same mud.  That's why we need to not forget what we've been through.  Not that we should constantly dwell on it or regret it but keep ourselves in perspective and instead of belittling the person next to us or behind us (ie: the younger generation) for what they're going through, we need to try to help them - especially if we've conquered that very thing.  


Just sayin...

God is concerned...

My Father God, Holy Spirit, Lord, King, Jesus is sooo amazing I just had to share this little story with you.  I want you to know that God is concerned with the little things in our lives.  There's scripture that talks about how not a sparrow falls to the floor without God being aware, and how the birds dont have to worry about what to eat or wear because they know that God will provide, and that every hair on your head is counted...I have experienced this many times and once again tonight and that's what I wanted to encourage you with:

I brought a Smart Ones to lunch at work today because I'd been having to spend too much money all week on food because the microwave on campus wasnt working.  But I also have a problem with sometimes going overboard and spending on useless things.  So today even though I brought lunch I was sooo tempted to buy KFC to supplement.  I had coupons!  But no...my coworker and I decided to just eat what we had (that's my way of showing gratitude too.  How dare I go and buy food when I already have.  That's so disrespectful of the One who provided and who is trying to help me financially and healthwise!).  I was full!  Plus I had a half a pretzel and some grapes that were at the office.  So I had more than enough and didn't have to buy any takeout.  What a blessing. Ok...so I went home and did some stuff and then for dinner I had some leftover takeout from a few days earlier and I was afraid was going to go bad (I feel so bad not eating food when there are those that can't even afford it) so I was going to eat more even though I wasn't that hungry.  Well...I didnt. I went to fellowship and as it turned out, we ate beforehand!  I would've been too full but thank God it was a far away enough interval that I could rejoice with my brothers and sisters and I wasn't too full but wasn't hungry either.  It was perfect.  But here's the clincher ....

Someone was at the fellowship for the first time and she happened to be going my way so we walked and talked and she asked if I wanted ... KFC!!!!  We ended up going and she treated!!  But right before she ordered I remembered...I had coupons!!!  We ended up splitting the same meal my coworker and I were going to split! AND we got dessert lol.  

And we had a nice time of post-fellowship fellowship...all because I brought my lunch to work!  So you see, God cares about even the little choices we make like what to eat for lunch!

Happy :)

I'm happy.  I had a really good conversation with a dear friend of mine and it just brought back great memories and gave me such hope for...something hehehe.  Praying about whether or not to tell her a certain something but we'll see...I just might... :) 


And had a good day at school.  Got a B on my first history paper and my psych midterm was a breeze (took less than ten minutes) and I've been seeing God's hand and hearing His voice all day in the little things.


And I just have this desire to be still with Him. Just be still and let Him set me free.  Oh God I wanna be free so bad.  Give me patience.  But for the moment I feel good.  And, this morning I took good care of myself, I put some clothes on and instead of feeling self-conscious and worried about what anyone would say I said "I look good." And i continuously throughout the day would look down at myself or look at myself in the mirror and be like "I look good."  Oh and I put a little make up on.  But it wasnt too impress anyone.  I dont have to impress people or get their attention.  I'm not out to please anyone with my body.  I take care of me for me and for God because my body is the temple of the Holy Spirit.  I am fearfully and wonderfully made and give honor to God when I take care of myself and when I feel pretty because that's respecting the Creator.


Ahh feels good.


Also I feel like...I'm climbing. I have a long way to go, I know and it's hard at times but I feel like I'm coming out of the valley.  I feel like God is pulling me through (and using various methods too) and I feel like I just have to step step step step step and push myself a lil further at a time and if I lose my footing I just gotta get back up.  But...I told God today "I need You to keep pulling me through this one."  This is so hard. I can't do it on my own. My flesh wants to fail. My flesh wants to give up. My flesh wants to fall but NO! God wants better for me and I want better for me.  I have tasted and seen how awesome God is. How could I turn back?  *sigh*  I am so grateful for the valley experience...at the moment...because right now I can see that it's gonna be worth it and a valuable experience...I just need to keep this in mind. 

Short and Sweet

There are two ways of looking at things. One is feeling guilty and the other is feeling grateful. When I feel guilty about making mistakes is when I start to stumble further because I feel as though perfection is unattainable - which it is!  Only God is perfect.  But when I am grateful for God's mercy I call on Him and receive His love and when I realize how much He loves me I am able to push forward to love Him.  He says "If you love Me you will keep my commands."  The devil used to make me think that was God telling me I didn't love Him because I'm a sinner. NO!  God knows my heart.  What He means is the more I fall in love with Him the more I'll naturally make the right decisions.  When I'm grateful for the mistakes because they show me that something's wrong, I get stronger because I know it's God being like a Daddy to me which means He loves me.  
So...


God I thank You for Your mercy and grace and love.  I thank You that You know my heart and ask that Your love would guide me to freedom.  Draw me back to You with cords of love and help me to move forward with You, in Your confidence.  In Jesus' name...Amen...Also, thank You for the battle and the struggle.  The fact that I see it's a problem is a good sign and the fact that there is a problem means that I'm that valuable to You and that Your purposes for my life are so great that the devil tries to steal them and that You try to remove the obstacles.  Help me keep growing and moving forward in You...Amen..

But Still...

I'm determined that for every negative thing that I go through I'm going to find at least one positive thing to go along with it to counter it. So here goes from today...


This morning I felt so devastated and hurt and angry and a host of other emotions. But...I thank God for this because a) He showed me that I still have to heal in that area of my life...God will always speak but it may not be something you want to hear but it will always be what you need to hear.  It hurt to know that I was hurt but it was good to know what I need to work on to be whole.  Or rather...what I need to let GOD work on.
b) I know He was giving me supernatural strength and comfort and I have a feeling He made sure to have some people intercede for me...
c) I was able to run to Him, let it out a lil bit and then move on with my life. I didn't let it stop me from doing what I had to do and I didnt say anything stupid which would've made the situation worse.


I had favor in a particular situation.  I was so scared and upset and I could have easily remained feeling guilty about having these doubts (and about many other things I did "wrong" but I knew that wouldn't do anything so I just took care of what I had to take care of.  All it took was one phone call and I know that it's God that gets the glory.  In His will, this situation from years ago will finally be put behind me tomorrow.  But I remember that the last time I was in a similar situation I received my closure when these little details I took care of no longer mattered.  So I need to get to THAT place but hey...God is good and so merciful. I just pressed on...


I was running late and my brother was in the shower but just as I was getting out my clothes to wear he came out and asked if I needed to use it.  God has perfect timing.  I was a lil upset because I didnt think I would make it to the bus in time and I wanted to have time to eat the food I brought with me that needed to be heated up.  As I was praying, walking down the street, I saw the bus coming and I caught it!!!


I got to school in plenty of time and the microwave wasnt working which put a damper on my study time that I was going to try to have, as well as my mood and now I couldn't save money and I had a defrosting dinner in my bag.  But at least I had the finances to buy some lunch.  And lemme tell u - that one plate of food lasted me HOURS!


I studied for about an hour after school and as I came out of the library I missed the bus - saw it leave :/ but I got on another bus a while later...with a friend of mine :)


I came home and had a nice dinner that my dad made and spent some quality time with my parents, playing games on facebook and jeopardy.


Then I was really stressed and frustrated wit hw but whenever I would take a break and come back to it, the answers would seem to pop out at me! lol 


Now, I'm all done and ready for tomorrow.  But I just had to type a praise report.  But...that means tomorrow I have more time to seek the face of God, relax, or maybe start studying for one of my tests or continue studying for this one coming up on thursday.  Well, let's see how I sleep tonight and wake up tomorrow.

Why We Should Pray The Word of God

Isaiah 55:10 says that the word of God will not turn back void.  As I was praying the other night, God led me to pray this scripture and it suddenly hit me.  It hit me to the point I couldn't even pray anything more.  I couldn't worship, couldn't cry out...I was just still...covered in the presence of God.  In awe of Him.  I realized that when we pray the Word (either direct scripture or using scriptural concepts) we pretty much have a guarantee that it will happen.  For if it's according to His will and His word, He promises that it will not come back void.  Meaning - if we pray in faith for peace, for healing, for breakthrough, for protection and it's according to God's plan, we will receive what we're asking because we've sent forth the word declaring.  We have authority.  We have the Word as a weapon!  In the book of Hebrews it says the Bible is sharper than a two-edged sword.  This is one of the weapons in 2 Corinthians 10 that's "mighty for tearing down strongholds."  Again, even if you don't know the scriptures by heart the more you get to know God and His character the more you'll naturally pray based on scriptural principles.

Even more amazing is that the next morning someone posted on facebook that exact scripture!  

God help me remember to pray the scriptures and according to scripture.  Open up my eyes to scriptures that apply to my specific situations because they are out there - I know it!  And give me strength and faith.  This is what a warrior does, she uses her weapons.  I can't expect to win the battle if I don't use what I have in my possession.  Thank You Lord for this powerful weapon.  In Jesus' name.  Amen....

Ready for Breakthrough

A broken heart is a good thing, in this case.  The pain is not new, it's just only now being confessed and dealt with.  For months and months, maybe even more than a year, a little at a time, I closed myself off.  Even though I was "there" I wasn't really THERE.  You know what I mean?  I could be at a fellowship, crowded church service, home, school...I could get hugs, prayers, love, affection...and still feel ten miles away from it all, not really part of it, nor wanting to be a part of it.  When I was alone, or felt alone, I said I didn't care.  I didn't care when I didn't hear from my friends.  I didn't care when no one responded to my texts, emails, phone calls, statuses.  I didn't care when no one reached out or didn't reach out the way I wanted or didn't understand.  But really, all these situations, even those that were intended to be a blessing and not offensive, no matter what the situation I chose to seal myself off.  And each occasion I could find I would run and hide from "love".  These instances were really just chain after chain, root after root binding and blocking my heart and my mind.  

Well...praise God...He didn't quit on me and He didn't let me get too far that I couldn't find my way back.  And I'm blessed to say I'm on my way "home."  I know because last night, I started to really miss it.  I miss being connected with people.  I miss the fellowship of the heart.  I miss the touch of God.  I have it, of course, but it's not the same as it was, you know?  Well this brokenness, emptiness, longing in my heart was a good thing because NOW God can move!  Now God can fix me up.  I'm ready.  I'm ready.  I'm ready.  

Today's summit was another part of the healing process.  I was confronted by truth and by love today.  And it felt GOOOD!  It was hard because all these memories and feelings came up but it was good to once again be in the presence of my sisters and it was good to know that I'm on the road to victory.  I feel like this is all going to be resolved...sooner or later...when the time is right...

Now I'm just praying about what's next but I think I know.  I think God gave me a word last night and it was confirmed to me today.  

<3

All Things Are Possible

I'm seeing that with God all things truly are possible.  Little by little I'm seeing the promises of God coming closer and closer to me.  Wow!  What a thought!  As I write this I realize: when it comes to the promises of God, they pursue US, in a way, we dont have to pursue them!  Not to say that we dont have to do our part.  NO...we definitely have to work with God to get to that promised land, to overcome those giants, to receive His blessings and abundance.  We have to have and act in faith.  We have to be like the Abraham whose faith was counted to him as righteousness, not like the Abraham who tried to take matters into his own hands to speed up the promises of God or protect his blessing rather than letting God protect it.  We need to be like the Abraham who obeyed God completely rather than the Abraham who laughed when God made a promise to him.  

My God My God, please help me to have and act in faith and obedience.  Help me weed out the things in my life that are holding me back.  Your goodness, Your mercy, Your love, Your blessing, Your grace, Your protection surrounds and protects and pursues me.  It runs along side of me cheering me and patting me on the back.  It goes along ahead of me to drive me on. It's about time I catch up with it and start living my life.  Really living.  Help me God to really live.  Help me to put the past behind me, let go of all my fears and anxieties, and shed all the stuff that hinders me.  


God is amazing.  Life can be amazing if we would only grab hold of things instead of letting things grab a hold of us.


God, it's time for me to grow up.....to grow into that tree planted by the waters that will never be shaken, never fall and always bear good fruit.  It's time for me to be strong.....strong in You.  For it's not by my strength but by Your power.  


I'm so amazed by You Lord and Your love and Your promises.  I look forward to all that You have for me.  Whether it takes me forty years or eleven days, I want to get to my Canaan!  (And in the meantime,, the desert is a beautiful place.  Thank You God that You are with me in the midst of the desert as well....) 
<3

Learning :)

A few weeks ago God opened a door for a new experience for me.  This falls in line with what He's been speaking to my heart in this season of my life.  I'm so amazed as I sit and think about this - about all that He's done.  He knows what I'm struggling with and He has told me that He has specific promises for me but in order to receive them I need to move on from certain strongholds.  I very carefully say, I do believe this God-appointed "thing" that's happening is helping me overcome things.  I don't know where this "thing" is going.  But uncertainty does not have to equal fear or anxiety or sorrow.  I'm just letting it flow as God would ordain it.  I'm keeping positive and having fun with it - enjoying it - but at the same time trying to remain in the mindset that if certain things do not happen or are not as I thought, then it's ok.  Either way, I am choosing to thank God even now for what lesson this new experience is teaching me.  It's funny kuz I can see the promises and they're getting closer and I'm actually moving toward them with the grace and help of God.  I'm so excited :).  I just pray God would guard my heart and guide me in this new path.  I wanna do the right thing and if I'm at fault in any way I pray that He make that clear and shut the door.  But for now - hey it's wide open!  And it just keeps getting wider lol.  It's like...the signs are there but I dont want to settle for GOOD signs; I want GOD signs.

But for now, I am thoroughly enjoying myself.  This thing makes me so happy thinking about it - even if it's all just a silly dream.  Like I said, no matter what it's a learning experience and I am eternally grateful.  

Ok I hope that made sense kuz it's almost 1am.

Answered Prayer

When we ask for something through prayer, we have to be ready for the answer.  Sometimes it could be right in front of our noses, right in our hands and we don't even notice or we don't want to grab hold of it.  

I've been asking God to restore me, renew me, heal me.  Recently I've begun to realize that He has been doing just that...and/or trying to...I just have to work with it.  

I realize it's my choice whether or not I pick up my mat and walk.  It's my choice whether or not I throw myself into the pool or keep making excuses.  It's my choice whether I remain hunched over and crippled or stand up and praise God.  It's my choice whether I lay down my life, my possessions, stop trying to do things in my own way and time, stop holding on to things that don't belong to me (my Isaacs), let go of the strongholds or let go on God. And well, God never gives up His hold on me.  Even though at times I feel as though I'm unreachable or like "oh...all this bad stuff is happening to me so I guess it means that I did something so bad or so much bad stuff that God's just like 'psh forget u...' " really it's at those times that He's even closer than I think...perhaps even closer than ever before.  See because in the storms is when I'll have to rely only on Him to calm them or save me.  In the darkness is when I see His light.  In the fire the impurities are burned off.  In the bottom of the pit, when all I've tried has failed me could be the very opportunity God uses to step in and deliver and get the glory because I clearly wasn't able to do it on my own so it had to have been God. 

So today, I'm grateful for those situations and I'm deciding to decide (lol) to try and allow God to walk me through it.  I really can't do it on my own.  Last night it was said "I can't but I can through God's help".  

And I'm grateful that God is willing to help me.  And I'm deciding to decide to try and allow God to renew my mind and then walk out that newness of mind.  I will yield my heart and my will and my spirit to the Holy Spirit. The same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead is alive in me and is resurrecting me even as we speak.  It's time I just grab hold and instead of focusing on what's going or gone wrong, I have to focus on the progress and what is going right and what God will continue to do...

Oh...and...my family got some great news today too so I'm very excited about that hehe..maybe some day I'll blog about that one ;)

Labor Day Weekend

Been meaning to write this since Labor Day weekend but I haven't forgotten how amazing it was and what a learning experience to be grateful for.  So here goes....

The weekend started off with a barbecue on Friday night.  We had a lot of people over my house.  It was the first time I mixed my church friends with my family and my family friends and work friends.  Not that I'm ashamed of any of these particular groups but I just don't always know who will feel uncomfortable around whom.  But I trusted - I prayed and had peace - that it would turn out fine.  Several of my friends, from various places came.  Early on a friend of mine had an emergency.  I felt so sad for her and concerned but it was a blessing to be able to be there for her.  I'm glad whenever I can be a shoulder to cry on for someone.  I didn't know what to pray for or how to handle the situation but sometimes all you can do is hold someone and be the arms of God for them.  So that's what I did and sent up some prayers and informed a few people too.  I did all I could but I was glad it was something.  And very shortly I saw the miracle that God did and is doing in that situation.

I went to bed very late but had to get up very early to go meet up with friends for my friend's birthday party.  We were going to a waterpark in Jersey.  Thank God my brother, at one point, said I should go to bed and he and my sister would finish cleaning up so I could get some sleep kuz I needed to get up early.  It was so considerate of him!  Several things happened - a few problems in us being able to get there, including car troubles.  But my friend was calm the whole time!!!  This blessed me so much.  It was such an inspiration and I had peace and we actually had fun even in the difficult situation.  There were a few awkard moments too but God saw me through and gave me peace and joy.  I had a great time.  And, a major major victory for me (yes I said major twice) is that I wore a bathing suit for the first time in YEARS!!!  I felt a lil self-conscious for a little bit but after a while I didnt care anymore and thoroughly enjoyed myself.  Even on the scary rides.  That was another thing - I faced a few of my fears but still knew my limits as well and didnt push myself just to fit in.  And I got home in time to hang out with my sister and brother and some other people. 

Then, again, I had to get up early because my brother and I were going to Pennsylvania to see our parents.  Sunday morning I woke up and decided instead of going to church I was going to have church in my house (because I wasnt sure what time we were leaving).  I had plenty of time to get ready and had a beautiful time with the Lord. Just me and Him in my house. I even had a time of worship wherein I stood up and lifted my hands. My room became transformed and so was I!  After "church" I was about to get really upset about something and as I felt the anger and anxiety rising I prayed (and tweeted) and instantly the situation was resolved.  God truly was my "very present help in time of need".  We made it to Pennyslvania safely which was a blessing because my bro had been having car trouble recently.  I learned something too - how one thought can send me spiraling in a very bad direction and make me even physically sick.  Thoughts can really contaminate you.  This is something God's really been stressing to me lately.  I really need to work on it.  But I digress...

We got up to PA with no traffic whatsoever and were greeted by my mom with camera in hand and dad and dogs :) <3.  No greater way to start a mini-vacation.  My dad had put the canoe on the car ahead of time because he knew I wanted to go canoeing.  We sat around reuniting and chatting for a bit and then we went to the creek I think or the lake - not really sure.  But it was too muddy.  But we didn't give up.  We went to this huge beautiful lake.  My mom got in the back of the boat. I got in front - backwards!!  Then my dad pushed us off and we started floating on the water.  And we were OFFFF!!  And the current was taking us and it was a lil scary but it was a great trust exercise.  My mom had to trust that she could steer.  I had to trust that I could "steer" or at least paddle.  It was so much fun too though besides being scary at times.  It was so liberating to be out on the water just me and my mom (and the others bigger boats lol).  It was kinda quiet too.  And my dad and brother were pretty much right there, on the shore, so if anything they could've saved us.  But I just had a lot of peace about it.  But even in the nervousness I had for a little while it was a fun kinda nervous.  It was like "oh crap we're gonna flip over!" but in a fun way lolol.  (ahh you had to be there).  Then we had a nice dinner and hung out for a bit more including playing family feud online and just relaxing.  Also nice was the fact that my mom sat on the swinging bench wit me.  Sometimes I miss being physically near to my parents.  I felt so safe and peaceful and happy knowing that she was next to me.  I dunno...

Then we went home with mom and two of the dogs.

Monday I did homework in the morning and in the afternoon went to work for several hours.  It was great!

I've been dealing with some anxiety lately and that weekend I was also anxious but I know that God is with me and working on me and therefore I can still be blessed.  My eyes are open - now it's time to open my heart.  But just because I'm in a "situation" doesnt mean I cant praise my God.  It's a battle.  It's a decision. 

All I Need Is One Touch

I have so much to praise God for today - His perfect timing with me running into a friend I haven't seen in years or talked to in almost a year and allowing me to reconnect with her and allowing us to see how far we've come since we last and first met.  
- His safety, His provision, His favor and wisdom in school.


But I want to focus on one thing in particular that I experienced that was just amazing.  Here goes:


Last night after church I was so hyped and feeling the Spirit of God so strong so I just had to soak it all in and as I was meditating on my situation and all that's been happening God gave me a poem.  And I was hyped about it and wasn't sure if I should share it or what and I was all bubbly and then what I wrote actually hit me.  Because I know that I did not write it.  It was God writing to me and through me.  I'll share it some time.  What I will share is this: Acceptance is such a struggle for me.  I've often steered my life toward whatever it would take to hopefully get me "accepted" but God told me straight out last night...that's exactly what He wants from me...from all of us.  I suddenly felt the heart of God and I knew He understood me and I understood Him.  So I committed to try harder to accept Him and pay Him the respect and attention He deserves.  And then I fell asleep.

When I woke up I tried to get in His presence and I prayed but I just could feel like there was some tension there.  Opposition and distraction I suppose.  I tried to do some homework but I got frustrated and distracted and I was getting more and more irritated so I decided to just put on the tv.  I turned directly to the 700 club. As soon as I heard the person testifying of God's greatness I felt this peace flood me and this healing and mercy and grace and this joy and in that moment I was able to just praise God and then bring my situation to Him.  I was reminded of the scripture of how He is my "ever-present help in time of need".  I saw that all He wanted me to do was just FOCUS on Him just THINK about Him just SEEK Him and I realized HE IS ALL I NEED.  He is more than able to give me the strength that I need to go on.


So be encouraged.  I know a lot of us are battling a lot of different things.  It's not easy and we may have our good moments and bad moments but God is with us and He is mighty to save and deliver.  All He wants is our heart.  All He wants is to help us.  All we have to do is cry out in honesty.  All we have to do is shift our thinking.  Jesus is our righteousness.  Because of what He did we can "come boldly before the throne of grace" as the Bible says and when we're in His presence we'll find all we need.  God will not reject us.  It's us that reject God.  But the moment we call on God He is ready and willing to take us under His wings and fill us with His joy, heal us with His balm, renew us with His love.  All we have to do is ask.  


God bless.  Hope this has ministered to you.  

God speaking

Where to begin.  Well...from the beginning! ;)

Well...remember I told you in the last blog how I was late...well God used that - first to allow me to get some rest and second so I could run into a lady from the church and her daughter and walk with them and show them the love of God.  

Then I got to church and found there was a seat next to my friend.  God had put it in my heart earlier to sit with her so I'm glad that worked out.  We had a good time of prayer together and also when I lifted my hands later to receive from the Lord there was no one in front of us so I wasn't hindering or being hindered.  

During worship I could feel angels all around me.  It was amazing.  

I really received from the word spoken.  It was about how you have to wait for the door to be opened.  If you're, as he said for example, waiting for the doctor you know you have to be patient and wait no matter how long it takes because you know you have to see the doctor.  You need him.  Also if you're at a concert, you have the ticket (the word God gives you is the ticket to get you through the door.  You know you'll get through the door even if there's no seats left because you have that ticket).  Don't give up your place in line!  Don't go anywhere!  Wait!

Then they talked about healing and....wow... God was speaking!!!  I saw God's glory move about the church as people were healed and then we talked about people with the gift of healing and the pastor was talking about people who know they have the gift of healing but haven't been flowing in it.  And God had been working on my heart for a lil bit during the service about walking in my giftings.  When they mentioned about people being healed and needing healing and I saw people pray for other people who were in need it reminded me of how many times I've been told that I have the gift of healing (and I have used it too but not for a while).  So when they said this I said to myself "It's not that I haven't been flowing I just haven't been using it."  (The justification made sense to me in my head at the time lol)  Also I get really shy to let people know that I have that because I'm still self-conscious and unsure at times.  Well I started feeling the conviction and I stood up and Pastor said to receive it again tonight and to be filled again.  I know that God did something because I could feel the way I haven't felt in a while.  And I feel in my spirit like there's going to be a time soon where I'll be able to use that gift.  An opportunity when I'll need to (not that I want anyone to get sick).  Also it occurred to me that maybe it's myself who I need to use it on.  I know I need healing and I know I have to stand up and fight.  I have to bind and loose like I used to.  I have to take authority like I used to.  Anyway the presence of God was just so strong and I was so excited and Pastor also confirmed something very specific.

Also God was speaking to me about what I've been facing.  In fact in the beginning the word was that God would continue to give instruction and that's exactly what has been happening and what happened tonight.  And I got such revelation and God is doing this whole thing so gently.  I love Him so much for it. 

Oh then I get a ride home later too and got to spend time with my bro, sis and friend and got to make plans for tomorrow with another friend of mine.  

Bottom line: I'm in this for the long haul but I know that God is with me and I feel encouraged and all I can do is continue to pray it through.